Understanding the Thoughts of Dismissive Avoidants During No Contact
Going through a breakup and implementing “no contact” can be an emotional rollercoaster for anyone. However, when your ex has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, their reactions and thought processes during this time may leave you particularly confused or hopeful about the future.
Dismissive avoidants tend to prioritize independence, keep partners at arm’s length emotionally, and cope by suppressing vulnerable feelings. So how do they typically respond to no contact after a split? Will they regret the breakup and consider reconciliation, or are they relieved to cut ties and move on?
In this comprehensive guide, we’ll uncover:
- The initial feelings dismissive avoidants experience post-breakup
- How their emotions and perspectives tend to shift over the no contact period
- Motivations behind reaching back out to an ex
- How to interpret dismissive avoidants’ behaviors during no contact
- Tips for protecting yourself and setting boundaries if they re-enter your life
Let’s explore the complex dismissive avoidant mindset to help you gain clarity and closure so you can begin healing.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
First, let’s ground ourselves in what attachment theory says about those with avoidant orientations. Research shows that about 25% of the population develops an avoidant attachment style from childhood experiences (Wallin, 2007).
Avoidantly attached individuals unconsciously suppress their attachment needs for intimacy, connection, and dependence. They adopt compulsive self-reliance as a protective response, using deactivating strategies to keep partners at a safe emotional distance (Cassidy, 2016).
This translates into intimacy avoidance, reluctance to share feelings, and distancing behaviors in adult relationships. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that attachment avoidance positively predicted breakup contemplations and negative attitudes toward getting support from partners (Girme, 2018).
Essentially, those high in attachment avoidance have a profoundly difficult time reconciling their competing needs for independence and relationships. Their coping mechanism lies in shutting down emotionally or leaving partners abruptly when feeling engulfed.
Understanding this empathetically sets the stage for grasping dismissive avoidants’ inner workings during no contact.
The Honeymoon Phase: Relief and Freedom
When a dismissive avoidant partner first ends a relationship, they usually feel happy and liberated to be free from the expectations and pressures that came with it. Coach Lee describes dismissive avoidants thinking of no contact more as a “self-discovery rule” rather than true separation from an ex.
Why does breaking up evoke such positive emotions in early stages for dismissive avoidants?
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They regain independence to focus inward on their own needs and interests without having to provide emotional intimacy or consistency for a partner.
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They no longer feel “trapped” in a relationship that causes anxiety around engulfment issues.
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They can exert control over their attachments by physically and emotionally distancing from ex-partners when intimacy becomes too much.
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They experience relief from no longer having to meet their partner’s needs or navigate conflict around their hot and cold behaviors.
During this honeymoon phase, dismissive avoidants may thoroughly enjoy casual dating, diving into work pursuits, traveling, or hanging out with friends. They tend to seem absolutely fine, if not happier, after the split.
You may perceive their positive mindset as indifference toward you or confirmations that leaving was the right decision. Rest assured, the tides eventually shift.
The Reflection Stage: Curiosity and Confusion
While dismissive avoidants revel in their post-breakup autonomy for some time, ongoing no contact often stirs up mixed feelings around the one or two month mark.
Now settled into the single life again, your ex will likely start reminiscing about positives from your relationship. Nostalgic memories combined with total absence can render you mysteriously attractive again. Dismissive avoidants may find themselves preoccupied trying to interpret why the split transpired in the first place.
Common reflections that emerge include:
🔹 Was I suppressing how I truly felt about my ex? Did I make an impulsive decision based on fear rather than logic?
🔹 Did my ex meet someone new? If so, why does it bother me?
🔹 Will my ex hate me forever? Did I damage them by leaving?
🔹 Does my ex miss me at all…or are they happier without me?
🔹 I wonder if my ex wants me to reach out, or if they never want to hear from me again?
🔹 Was our relationship as bad as I remember, or am I amplifying negatives due to my avoidance?
🔹 Why do I still think about my ex if I’m happier being single?
As you can see, self-protective dismissiveness begins losing grip at this stage. Cracks form in once-certain breakup justifications, leaving dismissive avoidants feeling emotionally confused.
They also cannot help but grow curious about your life. Though dismissive avoidants rarely overtly admit it, they do peruse your social media to make guesses about how you’re coping. Be wary reacting to posts or mirroring behaviors that could feed their avoidance or false assumptions. Play it cool online regardless of what’s happening behind the scenes.
Strong urges emerge to ask around about you, drive by places you frequent, or reach out themselves. Curiosity coupled with guilt often progresses into motivation to reconnect while saving face.
This mirrors patterns marriage therapist Ellyn Bader observes working with dismissive avoidant patients over 17+ years of clinical experience:
“Initially when dismissive avoidants end relationships, they often feel elated – free from a partner threatening their independence. But as time passes, most descend into missing what they shared, rumination, doubts, and acute awareness of the void left behind." (Bader, 2022).
Motivations Behind Reaching Out
Why do dismissive avoidant exes reach out post-breakup when they cut contact so definitively in the first place? As Coach Lee explains, it’s seldom about wanting to fully reunite or fall back in love at first.
Instead, it tends to stem from combination rejection sensitivity and dimensionality issues rooted in deeper attachment insecurities:
🔹 Seeking Validation You Still Care – They hope you’ll respond excitedly to their message or ask to meet, proving you still have feelings and they remain special. This reaffirms their desirability after questioning it amidst the split.
🔹 Self-Esteem Boost – Similarly, engaging provides dismissive avoidants an ego boost to know you’d welcome them back unconditionally versus rejecting them coldly.
🔹 Minimizing Harm Caused – Avoidants like affirming they didn’t emotionally damage you via the breakup. Keeping you close as a friend can help them feel less “toxic” while sweeping relationship issues under the rug.
🔹 Alleviating Guilt and Doubt – They may reach out looking for definitive evidence it was “right person, wrong timing.” Getting back in touch seems like a logical step before moving forward separately or rekindling.
🔹 Maintaining Access and Control – Avoidants view relationships on a spectrum rather than all or nothing. Keeping communication channels open means having you as an option while exploring independence.
How deeply dismissive avoidants process these motivations varies based on self-awareness. Their outreach may genuinely express wanting another chance…or it could simply provide temporary validation before disappearing again.
As the dumpee, it’s imperative you avoid making assumptions or believing wholehearted reconciliation is definitely around the corner. Respond neutrally until understanding intentions.
Interpreting Behaviors Accurately
Let’s explore some dismissive avoidant thought patterns and behaviors to watch for when they resurface post-no contact:
🔸 Orbiting on social media – Lurking WITHOUT reaching out directly. They crave insights into your life for aforementioned reasons but aren’t prepared for actual conversation.
🔸 Only texting sporadically – Checking on you via brief, superficial texts. May ignore deeper replies and not initiate contact again for awhile.
🔸 Suggesting meeting casually as friends – Wants to assess whether there’s still a spark before admitting vulnerability or labeling it a renewed relationship. Also gauges how much you’ll comply with their tepid reconnection pace.
🔸 Talking mostly about surface-level topics – Sticks to safe small talk and reminiscing happier times rather than addressing substantive issues. Changes subject if emotions/future comes up.
🔸 Acting flirty/touchy-feely – Initiates flirtatious banter, inside jokes, non-sexual touch, and affection. Conveys desire for intimacy without commitment.
🔸 Refusing to commit to concrete relationship plans – Keeps things vague with you and themselves about getting back together formally, making introductions to friends/family, scheduling future dates, etc.
Essentially, dismissive avoidant communication resembles hot/cold, ambiguous whiplash following no contact. The mode depends on whether they feel safe at any given moment to edge closer emotionally.
While these behaviors can wreak havoc on your mental health, Coach Lee notes it doesn’t necessarily mean dismissive avoidants don’t care – they feel things deeply but don’t know how to progress intimacy gradually. Be patient and let them set the reconnection pace rather than reacting defensively.
Moving Forward Mindfully
If a dismissive avoidant ex re-enters your life confusingly post-breakup, implement these strategies to move forward safely while respecting both parties’ needs:
💡Reflect first before responding to any outreach. Process feelings separately from intuitions about their intentions to prevent blind optimism or pessimism.
💡Set boundaries around acceptable communication and relationship styles upfront. Stick to values versus compromising for toxicity tolerance.
💡Address the breakup itself and aftermath before leaping back into coupledom or pretending it didn’t happen. Don’t enable avoidance.
💡Give them time and space to demonstrate follow-through independently before assuming positive change is lasting.
💡Go minimal or no contact again if attempts exacerbate negative attachment cycles rather than facilitating secure bonding.
💡Seek support through friends, family, experts to maintain perspective and emotional stability regardless of ex’s choices.
While no one can entirely control or predict a dismissive avoidant’s behaviors post-breakup, the keys are self-awareness and patience while looking out for your own wellbeing first and foremost. Avoid overanalyzing their actions.
The Bottom Line
When dismissive avoidant exes reach out down the road, it rarely reflects black and white thinking. Rather, it indicates they’re likely confused and battling an inner war between loving autonomy and missing what you shared, whether consciously or not.
Implementing no contact allows dismissive avoidants’ suppression to lift naturally over time. As díaspora notes, by two months, regret and secret doubts may creep up sufficiently for them to reopen the door.
Tread carefully not to fall into over-availability or overly romanticize reconnections, however. Temper hopes with realistic expectations given past rhythms. Protect your peace of mind first and foremost.
At the end of the day, even dismissive avoidants cannot outrun grief forever. No contact brings their true feelings to the surface eventually – but rarely overnight or without back and forth ambiguity.
Have patience, set boundaries, focus on your own growth, and the rest will continue unfolding as is meant to.