As a relationship coach and intimacy advocate for over 10 years, I‘ve worked with countless women who feel ashamed or embarrassed by their sexual fantasies. Many worry they are "wrong" or "deviant" for having certain thoughts or desires.
But the truth is, our fantasies are a normal and healthy part of our sexuality. In fact, research shows that 97% of women admit to having sexual fantasies.
So why do we feel such shame? Often because women‘s desires have been stigmatized or ignored throughout history. We‘ve been taught that "good girls" aren‘t supposed to have sexual thoughts. That our pleasure should come second or not at all.
But as the famous saying goes, "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere."
As women, it‘s time we shed those outdated beliefs keeping us from exploring our full potential. Because embracing your authentic desires is the pathway to greater confidence, intimacy and sexual fulfillment.
In this guide, we‘ll explore the 5 most common female fantasies based on various studies. Remember, these thoughts are normal and healthy, even if society deems them taboo.
I encourage you to read with an open mind and ask yourself: What desires might I be ignoring or feel ashamed about? My hope is this article helps spark deeper self-acceptance and permission to pursue new heights of sexual happiness on your terms.
Let‘s dive in!
1. Domination & Relinquishing Control
According to a major study published in the Journal of Sex Research, nearly 65% of women admit to fantasizing about "being overpowered or forced to surrender" sexually.
But why domination specifically?
For many women, these themes represent the ultimate release – a chance to let go completely of societal pressures or responsibility in the bedroom. To be "taken" by someone confident and desiring.
In her book Come As You Are, renowned sex educator Emily Nagoski Ph.D writes:
"Women say being sexually ravished allows them to enjoy sex without having to take responsibility for their own desires, relieving them of guilt for wanting it, giving them permission to savor their own irresistibility, and playing into the cultural script that says women have to be convinced or even forced into sex."
But just because domination fantasies are common, that doesn‘t mean women actually want to experience non-consensual sex. This is a complex topic, but the key distinction is that ravishment fantasies involve a willing surrender of control. Being "taken" in a safe, trusted environment by someone who deeply respects your needs.
If you‘re curious to explore domination but unsure where to start, communication is key. You might begin by asking a trusted partner to gently pin your hands above your head. Or use commands like "Don‘t move" as they bring you to climax. Start slow and ramp up based on comfort levels.
And remember – you are always in complete control over what happens to your body. Never do anything that causes actual distress. Your fulfillment comes first.
2. Group Sex & Being Desired
Another common taboo fantasy is group sex. Per the earlier study, around 57% of women admit to fantasizing about having sex with more than three people at a time.
But why the desire to be with multiple partners? For some women, it ties back to that core craving – to feel desired. To have not just one, but several lovers simultaneously vying for your attention.
Others enjoy the sensory experience of hands, mouths and bodies from all angles bringing wave after wave of pleasure. While the psychological thrill of being watched can heighten arousal for exhibitionistic types.
According to research by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author of Tell Me What You Want, group sex is also one of the most common fantasies among Americans in general – for similar emotional reasons:
"The appeal seems to largely come back to the fact that threesomes and group sex allow people to feel desired by multiple partners simultaneously…It’s the idea that someone finds you so sexually irresistible that they can’t keep their hands off you, while their partners also validate those feelings of desirability at the very same time.”
So if you fantasize about threesomes or sex parties, rest assured the desire is normal. That said, acting on group sex fantasies requires careful consideration.
Open communication is essential to avoid hurt feelings over issues like jealousy. Starting slowly with lower commitment scenarios (like strip poker between established friends) can help test comfort levels before advancing.
Most importantly – check in with yourself. If nerves or hesitation arise, don‘t feel pressured to push limits. Your comfort comes first. Govern all group play by the platitude "slow down to speed up" as you navigate this intimate territory.
3. Public Sex & Thrill Seeking
Have you ever fantasized about having sex outside? About the thrill of possibly getting caught? Then you’re in good company.
Around 57% of women admit to fantasizing about sex in public places based on studies. And there are plenty of good reasons why.
For some women, public sex taps into our natural exhibitionist instincts. The thrill of possibly being watched activates the nervous system – making every sensual stroke feel exponentially intensified.
Others enjoy the “adrenaline rush” aspect. The excitement of breaking taboos or social norms regarding nudity and sex drives the heart rate up, which can enhance arousal and climax.
Public sex also adds novelty to the equation – taking you (safely) outside your daily comfort zones into vulnerable new territory with your lover. That palpable sense of risk can supercharge the passion and attraction.
But much like group play, making fantasies about public sex a reality requires care. Start with lower-risk scenarios before progressing to avoid unwanted consequences.
Some starter ideas for beginners include:
- Frolic in an isolated nature spot free of cameras/people
- Have a discreet encounter in your car parked on an empty street
- Visit risque venues like sex clubs that cater to exhibitionists
- Occupy the last row of an empty movie theater
The key is minimizing real risk while tapping into the psychology of feeling exposed or "dangerous." And as always, respect laws and public spaces to keep your thrill seeking ethical.
If at any point you start feeling truly uncomfortable, pause or stop completely. Your needs come first. Only venture as far as what excites you, not what overwhelms you.
4. Sex With Strangers & Acquaintances
Have you ever spotted a sexy stranger and imagined what a steamy encounter might be like? If so, this fantasy is exceedingly normal.
According to research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over half of women fantasize about sex with complete strangers. And 66% fantasize about acquaintances like a friend’s spouse or attractive neighbor – forbidden connections rife with erotic potential.
But what is the deeper psychology behind stranger and acquaintance fantasies?
As explained by psychologist Dr. Laura Dabney:
“It‘s fantasy so it represents endless sexual variety and possibility. Having a sexual fantasy about someone else lets people imagine what it would be like to have sex with different types of partners like strangers representing mystery and curiosity.”
She goes on to explain:
“The people and relationships in sexual fantasies usually represent ideas more than specific people you know. You don‘t really want to have sex with that random hottie at the gas station. It‘s the novelty and imagination that taps you into desire."
So if you sometimes catch yourself picturing steamy scenarios with that hunky barista or mailman, feel empowered. Let your mind wander without judgment. Engaging our imagination is how we explore our deeper needs and interests.
If monogamy is important, focus instead on role playing with your partner. Ask them to pretend to “pick you up at a bar” and enact out the script. This allows you to tap the fantasy in a safe context while strengthening intimacy.
But most importantly, remember the appeal is psychological. We all naturally crave variety and novelty. Seeing people out in the world who represent that is normal. Don‘t shame yourself for harmless thoughts.
5. BDSM & Mixing Pain With Pleasure
Over the past decade, BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism) has exploded from taboo fringe to cultural phenomenon thanks largely to the Fifty Shades series.
But even before, many women secretly harbored fantasies about handcuffs, blindfolds, and erotic restrictions. Why? Because physiologically, introducing elements of “pain” often heightens sexual pleasure and release.
Through practices like restraints, impact play like spanking, or “punishments”, we activate the sympathetic nervous system tied to fight or flight. This kickstarts a rush of adrenaline and endorphins, making every sensual touch feel electrically amplified.
On a psychological level, many submissives also enjoy the structured freedom BDSM provides through well-defined “scenes”. In her groundbreaking paper “On the Diversity of Sexual Fantasy”, psychologist Dr. Marta Meana explains:
“The BDSM subculture is all about control, but within a safe, negotiated structure that allows people to give up control over themselves (to a dominant partner), and thus lose themselves in the fantasy and intensity of the moment. This letting go into an altered state of consciousness can be experienced as tremendously freeing.”
But like any intimate exploration, mutual care and consent are essential pillars in BDSM. Always thoroughly negotiate play ahead of time and choose partners wisely. Prioritize aftercare following intense scenes and respect each other‘s physical and emotional boundaries.
Start slowly with beginner bondage like silk scarves or soft spankings. Ramping up gradually as you and your partner explore this adventurous territory.
The core tenet to remember is that ultimately, the submissive is the one with true control – over what happens to their body and right to withdraw consent at any time. Keep communication active and proceed thoughtfully as you delve deeper.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, our fantasies are nothing to feel ashamed about. They offer glimpses into our innermost needs and interests – gateways toward deeper fulfillment if we choose to respectfully explore them.
So I encourage you to embrace your desires with compassion. To honor your sexuality by prioritizing pleasure and intimacy on your terms.
Stay true to your values while pushing edges at your own pace. Let go of limiting beliefs about “right” and “wrong” ways to experience ecstasy.
You contain multiverse of erotic potential waiting to unfold. May this be the start of an epic journey toward realizing your wildest dreams.