Dating can be challenging for anyone, but when two people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style enter a relationship, it can be exponentially more difficult to make meaningful connections and progress through the usual stages of partnership. As a full-stack developer and psychology enthusiast, I have done substantial research into attachment theory and how it impacts interpersonal relationships. In this comprehensive guide, I will analyze the unique dynamics that emerge when two dismissive avoidants date and provide evidence-based suggestions for overcoming common hurdles.
What is a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style?
First, it is important to understand what characterizes a dismissive avoidant attachment. According to attachment theory pioneer John Bowlby, attachment styles develop in childhood based on a person‘s early experiences with primary caregivers. Those with a dismissive avoidant attachment likely had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or rejected bids for comfort and closeness. As a result, these individuals learned from a young age to heavily rely on themselves, suppress their need for intimacy, and view relationships with others as largely unimportant.
As adults, dismissive avoidants prize their independence, take pride in not needing others, and consider themselves fully self-sufficient. They tend to avoid emotional intimacy by strictly regulating their emotions and inhibiting psychological needs for fear of disappointment. With romantic partners, dismissive avoidants struggle with trust, expressing affection, and reconciling their partner‘s needs with their own fierce autonomy.
Early Stages – The Honeymoon Period
When two dismissive avoidants first start dating, the early stages often resemble typical honeymoon phase behavior. Both parties may feel the spark of chemistry and physical attraction, while keeping emotional intimacy to a minimum. They enjoy passionate rendezvous but shy away from vulnerability, instead focusing interactions on fun, surface-level activities.
During this honeymoon period, two dismissive avoidants cycle through being very close, then pulling away once they begin to feel too emotionally close for comfort. Neither person pushes for or expects overt demonstrations of commitment or romantic gestures. For many dismissing couples, this dynamic serves them well for a period of time. However, problems begin to emerge when one or both partners unconsciously seek more emotional intimacy.
The Power Struggle
According to relationship researcher John Van Epp, the power struggle phase is the most difficult stage for couples to navigate. This is the period where two partners struggle with trust issues, control issues, and reconciling differing needs. Conflicts erupt more frequently and previous issues get brought back up repeatedly.
For two dismissive avoidants, the power struggle often revolves around their competing needs for independence versus emotional connection. One partner may seek more intimacy through actions like making plans for the future, giving gifts, or initiating talks about the state of the relationship. The other dismissive avoidant likely feels profoundly uncomfortable with this closeness and pulls away in response.
This tug-of-war can lead to myriad issues, including:
- Poor communication exacerbated by the inability or unwillingness to share feelings
- Resentment and misunderstandings from unmet emotional needs
- One or both partners never fully investing in the relationship and keeping their distance
- Eventual dissolution of the partnership without long-term commitment
Notably, research shows that for many couples, this challenging power struggle period determines if the relationship will advance or terminate. As such, this is a pivotal junction for two dating dismissive avoidants.
Progressing Through Stages
To progress into more advanced stages of partnership where real intimacy, compatibility and commitment can be built requires moving through the power struggle by addressing core wounds and fears. With dedication and effort, two dismissive avoidants can learn to communicate openly, allow themselves to rely on one another, and integrate their worlds through appropriate vulnerability and trust building.
Specific strategies that can help two dismissive avoidants develop greater intimacy include:
- Identifying core fears about dependence or engulfment by a partner
- Communally creating relationship rules that support autonomy
- Verbalizing needs clearly and frequently
- Willingness to listen, validate, and compromise
- Reciprocating affection while honoring boundaries
- Working with a therapist skilled in attachment wounds
- Understanding protest behavior rooted in earlier betrayals
- Exercising empathy, patience and compassion
Through conscious relationship work, dismissive couples can progress into later phases like stability, commitment, and bliss. By giving each other space while also fostering interdependence, they can strike a healthier balance between their competing needs.
Common Outcomes
Without intentional effort, however, the most common trajectories for partnerships between two dismissive avoidants are:
1. Breaking Up: The most frequent outcome is the relationship dissolves after a short period of time, usually without a clear understanding of what went wrong. Both parties feel relief to exit before becoming truly vulnerable.
2. Situationships: Sometimes dismissive couples remain together indefinitely but resist serious commitment or overt demonstrations of affection. They enjoy each other’s companionship but the relationship lacks depth and emotional intimacy.
3. Self-Protection: Occasionally one dismissive avoidant recognizes the relationship is critical to them and desperately fears its end. They may bombard their partner with surface displays of commitment meant to guarantee the partnership continues. But this self-protective bid only serves to push the other dismissive avoidant further away.
4. Cyclical Relations: In rarer cases, two dismissive avoidants manage to recommit after previous breakups once they forget past hurts. However, old issues resurface and they repeat the cycle of coming together and separating multiple times, failing to develop true lasting intimacy.
The Role Of Secondary Attachment Styles
Notably, there are exceptions to typical outcomes for partnerships between two dismissive avoidants. Many individuals have a primary attachment wound that shapes most relationships, yet also evidence secondary styles in certain bonds or situations. For example, someone may behave in generally avoidant ways across most relationships but demonstrate secure tendencies with a specific partner they trust deeply.
If one or both dismissive avoidant individuals also have a secondary secure attachment style, it can shift the dynamics substantially. Even a secondary anxious attachment style emerging in either party may change the trajectory. The secondary style gives the relationship a vulnerability and capacity for progression that two purely dismissive avoidants lack.
This explains why some dismissive couples manage to communicate well, become interdependent, and develop long-term commitment—defying the usual pitfalls. The influence of secondary styles allows the partnership enough openness and flexibility to foster emotional intimacy over time.
In Summary
When two dismissive avoidants enter a romantic relationship, the prognosis for partnership longevity and mutual fulfillment is admittedly bleak. Their respective walls of mistrust, need for control, and fears of dependence often prevent emotional Closeness and advancement through relationship stages. Self-protection takes priority over mutual vulnerability.
However, with conscious awareness, a willingness for personal growth, adept communication tactics, and compassion for the underlying wounds driving behaviors, intimacy is by no means impossible between two dismissive attachers. It simply requires dedication to address fears of engulfment, establish interdependence respecting autonomy, and put in consistent effort to meet the other’s needs. Progress hinges greatly on emotional availability.
By understanding the unique psychological dynamics at play, two dating dismissive avoidants can mitigate instinctive defenses and negative patterns to build increased trust and deepen bonds over time. The key is recognizing that with intentionality and hard work, mutually fulfilling long-term love is certainly feasible, though challenging. The past heartbreaks that shaped dismissive styles need not define future happiness.