Fearful avoidant attachment style affects about 5-10% of adults, according to attachment theory research (Levine & Heller, 2010). But those percentages don’t fully convey the inner turmoil and relationship struggles these individuals commonly grapple with.
This guide will dive deep into:
- The 7 most common protest behaviors
- Their psychological root causes
- Practical advice to overcome them
Healing your attachment wounds requires courage, compassion, and commitment. But freedom from fear is possible by understanding its core origins inside you.
What is Fearful Avoidant Attachment?
Let’s quickly recap what psychologists mean by “fearful avoidant attachment style.” This context will illuminate why certain maladaptive behaviors manifest.
Infancy Origins
Fearful avoidance initially develops in infancy when a baby experiences inconsistent caretaker responses to their attachment needs like feeding, soothing, nurturing, etc.
The most secure babies enjoy attuned empathy from their mothers about 90% of the time (Tatkin, 2017). Their signals are promptly and appropriately nurtured.
But fearful avoidant infants encounter dramatically mixed signals. Sometimes (about 60% of interactions according to research), their caregiver emotionally attunes and meets their attachment needs (Levine & Heller, 2010).
But other times, their signals face cold rejection, criticism, intrusive manhandling, or outright abuse – making the baby feel alternately:
- Helpless and unsupported
- Overwhelmed and violated
This breeds deep subconscious mistrust about relying on others within their future relationships.
Adult Hallmarks
Fast forward to adulthood. Baseline relating stirs up anxiety about partners – “Are they safe to depend on?” “Will they abuse/neglect me?”
So fearful avoidants unconsciously divide into two selves trying to manage this anxiety (Levine & Heller, 2010):
- Yearning Self – Craves intimacy to soothe abandonment panic
- Withdrawn Self – Fears engulfment so pulls away for self-protection
The result is a hallmark “hot and cold” emotional pattern in relationships. Think of an erratic sine wave or volatile stock market price chart!
Now let’s explore the 7 most common protest behaviors that manifest from this inner turbulence. Grasping why they occur naturally guides how to resolve them.
The Dual Mental Processing System
But first, a relevant paradigm…
Psychologist Daniel Kahneman famously discovered humans operate via two contrasting mental systems:
- System 1 – Hot-headed autopilot reactions
- System 2 – Cool-headed conscious reflection
When attachment wounds get triggered, System 1 protest behaviors often flare up instinctively. But with self-awareness, we can activate System 2 instead to respond thoughtfully.
Let‘s examine each frequent protest behavior through this lens.
1. Contempt
What It Looks Like…
Contempt manifests in insults, sarcasm, sneering, eye-rolling, mockery, etc. It attempts to make partners feel small and ashamed.
55% of couples display contempt in conflict discussions according to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman. And it signals future relationship dissolution.
Psychological Root Causes…
Contempt defense mechanisms arise from childhood experiences of…
- Emotional isolation
- Harsh criticism
- Verbal abuse like screaming insults
- Inappropriate shaming over minor incidents
This conditions fearful avoidants to preemptively shame others before getting rejected themselves. It often hijacks system 1 instincts.
Healing Techniques…
The antidote requires rewiring fear-based mental models – dropping contempt to embrace self-compassion and mutual understanding. This involves:
- Noticing critical inner voices
- Separating incident facts from imagined implications
- Communicating underlying feelings and needs rather than attacking
With practice, secure system 2 relating eclipses insecure system 1 contempt instincts over time.
2. Stonewalling
What It Looks Like…
Stonewalling manifests as emotional walls, avoidance, shutting down, refusing to engage, etc. It blocks intimate connection.
Over 50% of couples have displayed stonewalling behaviors in conflict discussions according to Dr. Gottman’s research.
Psychological Root Causes…
Stonewalling links with childhood experiences of…
- Physical touch that felt intrusive
- Verbal tones that seemed aggressive
- Having reasonable needs ignored
- Lacking an ability to protest unfair overreach
So it tries restoring personal boundaries and autonomy. But it also destructively blocks constructive engagement.
Healing Techniques…
The solution entails setting kinder boundaries and directly communicating needs instead – remaining present while preventing engulfment. For instance:
- Say you need self-reflection time without abandoning discussions
- Frame requests positively rather than reactively
- Unpack fears about enmeshment and process them
This allows authentic relating without total emotional cutoff or suppression.
3. Criticism
What It Looks Like…
Criticism appears via judgmental comments, nitpicking flaws, negative evaluations about partner’s character or capabilities, etc.
Over 70% of couples fall into “criticism loops” during conflicts according to marriage researchers – escalating the emotional intensity (Gottman, 2015).
Psychological Root Causes…
Heightened criticism patterns result from unhealed childhood wounds like…
- Neglect – Physical/emotional needs ignored
- Rejection – Made to feel intrinsically unlovable
- Unpredictability – Volatile caregiver reactions
So the inner critic projects pain outward through judgmental barbs.
Healing Techniques…
The solution requires relating to oneself and partners with compassion not criticism. Tactics include:
- Noticing critical thoughts and asking “What am I really feeling here?”
- Taking responsibility for unmet needs rather than blaming others
- Making requests gently without accusations
- Limiting discussion to one issue at a time without branching indictments
This avoids criticism loops while addressing real concerns kindly.
4. Defensiveness
What It Looks Like…
Defensiveness emerges via excuses, denial of responsibility, projecting blame outward, intellectualization to avoid emotions, changing the topic, etc.
91% of couples demonstrate forms of defensiveness especially when discussing issues involving themselves, based on observed interactions during university studies (Fournier, Olson, & Druckman, 1983).
Psychological Root Causes…
Defensiveness patterns result from childhood experiences of…
- Harsh punishment for vulnerable admissions or minor mistakes
- Volatile anger from authority figures that felt unfair
- Having thoughts, feelings, and boundaries frequently disregarded or violated
In short, displaying imperfection risked danger. So defensiveness hides shame, mitigates expected attacks, and regains some control.
Healing Techniques…
The healing solution requires dropping the notion that vulnerability equates with weakness. Strategies include:
- Separating present scenarios from associated past situations
- Owning imperfections compassionately
- Making amends for misdeeds or oversights
- Reassuring your lovability independent of flaws or mistakes
This builds trust through accountability and forgiveness, not deflection.
5. Emotional Volatility
What It Looks Like…
Emotional volatility reflects intense pendulum swings between outbursts and withdrawals when triggered. Reactions get amplified far beyond actual circumstances.
For example, a minor misunderstanding might provoke declarations about divorcing while an affectionate gesture hours later incites effusive gratitude about lifelong partnership.
Psychological Root Causes…
Such rollercoasters trace back to unreliable inconsistent caretakers. Multi-year Stanford studies found infants with the highest cortisol spikes during separations from mothers later exhibited the most emotional volatility in adult relationships (Lewis, Repacholi, & Rosenblum, 1990).
In essence, temporary connection sparks desperately attach while equally temporary disconnection evokes panicked abandonment.
Healing Techniques…
Smoothing out volatility involves:
- Noticing when imagination magnifies reality
- Self-soothing emotional extremes through inner dialogue
- Tolerating benign ebbs and flows in partner attention
- Establishing mutual understanding about attachment needs
This boosts resilience when inevitable day-to-day relationship fluctuations occur.
6. Spiteful Behavior
What It Looks Like…
Spite encompasses provoking reactions in others, attempts at payback for perceived wrongs, threats to break up, stonewalling as punishment after disagreements, violating boundaries to demonstrate independence, etc.
In studies, over 60% of couples admitted to various forms of spite towards each other as a power maneuver when feeling insecure in the relationship (Fitness, 2012).
Psychological Root Causes…
Such tactics unconsciously seek regaining feelings of control and personal value after incidents that evoke powerlessness—like breaches of trust or mistreatment.
They manifest from prior situations where protesting didn’t rectify injustice or attempts to assert needs faced parental domination.
Healing Techniques…
The solution requires building authentic self-worth separate from reactions garnered from others. Strategies include:
- Affirming your unconditional deservingness of respect
- Establishing trust that ensures mutual caring reactions
- Avoiding scorekeeping entitlement attitudes
- Seeking win-win conflict resolution
This generates confident benevolence towards yourself and partners.
7. Flip-Flopping Between Anxious & Avoidant
What It Looks Like…
The “hot and cold” sine wave marks the primal hallmark of fearful avoidance emotionally.
One day they eagerly flood partners with texts and affection. The next they create distance and seem suddenly independent or indifferent.
The anxious energy desperately pursues connection – “You‘re my whole world!”
While the avoidant energy scatters attention to mitigate vulnerability – “I forgot to call you back… everything ok?”
Psychological Root Causes…
The dichotomy mirrors the original attachment breach. Even minor disruptions to consistent caretaking rigorously conditioned in infancy endure implicitly.
Brain imaging scans show alternating activation between areas associated with social reward craving vs. social wariness (Vrtička, 2017).
In essence, fearful avoidants compulsively recreate early attachment dynamics subconsciously. They perpetually attempt repair while simultaneously misunderstanding the problem.
Healing Techniques
Smoothing the pendulum swing requires:
- Noticing black/white thinking – “I’ll be forever abandoned!”
- Broadening rigidity about needing perfect consistency
- Appreciating gray areas of intimacy levels
- Communicating preferences without escalated drama
This stabilizes realistic expectations cooperatively.
Closing Healing Highlights
In summary, protest behaviors manifest from attachment injuries unconsciously seeking healing. But their external eruptions gravely undermine relationships.
Altering such patterns rests on…
-
Self-awareness – Recognizing wounds and triggers arising from past caregiver interactions that differ from present partners. Noticing protest behavior warning signs.
-
Security building – Gradual trusted reliance on consistent empathetic support to develop earned confidence in getting needs met.
-
Unburdening – Directly expressing feelings and asking for needs supportively to release tension.
-
Boundary setting – Preventing mistreatment without total emotional cutoff. Fostering mutual caretaking.
-
Self-soothing – Developing ability to regulate anxieties internally when conditions trigger protest reactions.
-
Co-regulation – Collaborating with partners to understand needs and co-navigate reactive moments gently when they inevitably occur.
With compassionate perseverance, the relating skills of secure individuals can be cultivated. Your wholeheartedness will empower propagating relational healing across society’s fearful divide.