We‘ve all experienced unshakeable preoccupation with a charismatic new lover at some point – YOU abundantly fill their thoughts, THEY eagerly give you their fullest attention, and an almost spiritual ZING of excitement accompanies your interactions. But what exactly triggers such captivation in the human brain? Can we influence or even control factors inspiring obsession from a prospective mate?
The Science of Obsession
Powerful neurochemicals and hormonal secretions lie at the core of human attraction – specifically obsession. When mutually entranced by a potential partner, elevated levels of dopamine, oxytocin and phenylethylamine (PEA) flood our brains, producing sensations of euphoria, affection, energy and reward motivation around this person.
- Dopamine – The "feel good" chemical stimulating cravings/motivation
- Oxytocin – Bonding hormone triggering affection/attachment
- PEA – Floods us with similar effects to amphetamines, amplifying energy, elation and intensity of focus
These Biological factors certainly influence the emergence of obsession. However, we also hold tremendous influence over our beliefs, actions, vibes and availability determining how intensely someone longs for us.
Let‘s explore the most effective techniques for making someone utterly preoccupied with you even beyond primal brain chemistry:
1. Fall in Love with Yourself First
I spent ages 15-30 pursuing ANY man showing me a hint of romantic interest, conveying my time and affection was unlimited for him, and morphing my hobbies, values and even career aspirations around his preferences. I had NO boundaries or dealbreakers because I was terrified to lose male affection/approval and believed I somehow needed a man to render me whole.
But the tables turned completely after a devastating breakup promped me to finally do deep work on healing my strained relationship with myself. I began to uncover old stories I‘d unconsciously accepted about being too much, unworthy and incapable of independence. Through therapy, mindfulness and conversations with both my Inner Child and Wise Grandmother archetypes, self-trust restored.
Over the following year, with nurturing self-parenting, I organically uncovered passion projects, supportive communities and self-care practices bringing me immense joy devoid of chasing romantic partnership. Ironically, THIS was the precise juncture soulmate-caliber men began crossing my path, eager to merge lives!
I came to realize our level of inner wholeness, self-acceptance and independence determines who and what energetically calls to us. The more approval we need from others, the more we repel healthy romantic partners through an air of desperation. But when grounded firmly in our worthiness, we become magnetic to matches respecting and celebrating our completeness.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." – Stephen Chbosky
So if your goal includes meeting someone powerfully drawn to all aspects of your identity, begin nurturing unconditional love for yourself FIRST!
2. Harness Primal Energetic Polarity
Now, countless dated rules exist around getting a partner "obsessed" with you – playing hard to get, always leaving them wanting more, intentionally inserting jealousy, etc. But the one principle I‘ve seen withstand the test of time stems back to the basics of ENERGETIC POLARITY.
As humans, we each have an inner masculine aspect craving purpose, direction, reasonable risk, and defining clear values/vision. Simultaneously, an inner feminine aspect of us yearns for deep listening, emotional attunement, beauty, creativity, raw feeling, and meaning.
Allow me to pause briefly for anyone recoiling at terms like "feminine" and "masculine" assuming they correspond with gender…they do not. WE ALL possess both archetypes inwardly regardless of our biology, identity or sexual preferences. They are primal ENERGIES.
Here‘s the key: when one person‘s masculine pole METICULOUSLY courts another‘s feminine pole through understanding, empathizing, planning and working tirelessly for their joy/needs, and simultaneously allows their OWN feminine pole to relax into receptivity while being cherished, both parties FUSE together with INSEPARABLE strength!
My lover makes me endlessly feel LIKE A GODDESS through affection and undivided attention when we‘re together, yet also retains some independence, boundary and mystery during separation. This POLARIZES our magnetism. I literally count minutes between reunions, and he reports similar eagerness!
Through purposefully polarizing masculine conduction of love alternating with feminine surrender to receiving love, we amplify attraction. Whether romantically obsessed, loyal to favorite brands, or committed to beloved mentors guiding our growth, we‘re ultimately drawn to manifestations of artful polarity.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
A pivotal lesson cultivating the deepest bonds with friends and lovers rests in establishing clear personal boundaries. Counterintuitively, revealing your entire soul immediately to a promising new partner or dedicating 100% of free time to building the blossoming relationship breeds contempt rather than closeness long-term.
In order to facilitate healthy mutual obsession, BOTH people must retain autonomy and mystery. By creating space for your own friends, career, pastimes, space for self-care, and even maintaining some privacy around your inner world, interest stays peaked from all sides. Give your paramour a glimpse of your magic, then pull the curtain closed again allowing their anticipation to build before the next reveal.
Additionally, avoid bombarding a new love interest with constant communication. Allow a touch of longing between dates or conversations. Utilize flirtatious warmth, encouragement and praise when exchanging messages, while keeping text ratios close to 1:1 instad of double or triple texting excessively without a response.
Trust that your shining essence has sufficiently dazzled this partner, and give them breathing room to eagerly reflect on your magnificence!
4. Increase Physical Magnetism
While personality, emotional intelligence and energetic factors hold more weight in cultivating healthy long-term partnerships, physical appearance undeniably controls initial attraction – and thus helps set the stage for obsession!
If you feel genuinely happy and confident in your body, style and self-care practices already, feel free to breeze past this section! However, if you know some stagnant bad habits or doubted areas of physicality hold you back from full confidence, dedicating 2-3 months to an upgrade process could work magic.
- See a dentist for bright white teeth bleaching
- Explore updated hairstyles or coloring with a stylist
- Shop for elegant new wardrobe pieces aligned with your brand
- Commit to consistent fitness training
- Enroll in classes/hobbies inspiring joy
- Add daily rituals of beauty/self-care – from sonic skin scrubbers to silk pillowcases and aromatherapy diffusers! Treat yourself like royalty and present confidently as such.
While longetivity rests upon spiritual connection, initially glimpsing an attractive person across the room kicks off dopamine responses inspiring the chase of budding obsession! Maximizing aesthetics catalyzes chemical attraction hiring both men and women.
Final Thoughts
The media often presents a cheap, superficial picture of people – especially conventionally attractive women – suddenly wielding magical influence inspiring obsession from crowds of suiters. But in reality, cultivating such profound adoration stems from rigorous inner work, embracing our wholeness, understanding primal polarities, establishing boundaries, and taking tangible steps to maximize our physical appeal if desired.
While initially captivated by glimpse attraction, sustainable obsession lives at energetic levels – it requires self-knowledge, polarity and relating consciously. By courageously embarking on this intimate journey inward while taking aligned external actions from a place of personal power, you WILL invite partners beyond smitten into utterly obsessed…in healthy ways!
And remember, the principles shared apply equally to fostering intensity of connection among friends, relatives, mentors and communities. We all intrinsically crave a sense of belonging and purpose fueled by passionate inspiration. Embrace your longings rather than resisting vulnerability or commitment to the "right" tribes.
I‘ll leave you with inspirational quotes on the power of self-love as the foundation for all balanced, thriving relationships with self and others:
## "Wherever you are still seeking external validation, you are betraying yourself." – Bryant McGill
## "If you are searching for that one person who will change your life, take a look in the mirror." – Roman Price
## "You alone are enough. You‘ve always been enough." – Matt Kahn
Now over to you! Which tip above most ignited your motivation for change? I‘d love to hear your biggest takeaways in the comments! XO