Navigating Female Narcissists and Borderlines: An Expert Guide
Personality disorders characterize ten to fifteen percent of the general population (Lenzenweger et al., 2007). Among younger cohorts, this figure appears much higher, especially among women. Some studies suggest almost thirty percent of college-aged women meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD) (Jauk et al., 2017). This concerning trend coincides with rising narcissism levels (Twenge et al., 2008) and correlates like social media addiction (Fox & Rooney, 2015). As a clinical psychologist specializing in personality disorders and complex trauma, I contend narcissistic and borderline pathology has reached epidemic proportions among millennial and Gen Z women.
This manifests in the pervasive interpersonal chaos leaving intimates of a female narcissist or borderline confused and distraught. Having supported countless clients disentangling from relationships with narcissistic or borderline personality disordered partners, I have deep compassion for this situation. I also possess specialty expertise delineating distinctions between these conditions to promote more discerning and compassionate relating. This guide synthesizes essential differences to identify whether you are contending with a female covert narcissist or borderline.
Lack of Empathy: Hallmark of Narcissism
By definition, the DSM-5 diagnoses narcissistic personality disorder where an individual displays impairments in identity and self-direction alongside a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (APA, 2013). Empathy proves the most salient interpersonal quality distinguishing narcissists from borderlines.
Specifically, narcissists demonstrate less affective and cognitive empathy than clinical norms (Ritter et al., 2011). Affective empathy means lacking capacity to subjectively attune to others’ emotions by “feeling along with” them. Cognitive empathy involves deficiency in consciously comprehending people’s differing perspectives. Meta-analyses confirm that deficits in both emotional and mentalistic empathy represent narcissism’s core (Kaufman et al., 2018).
This manifests in self-absorbed behaviors where narcissists commandeer conversations, display contempt for others’ needs, and manipulate or exploit people for ego gratification. Dehumanization of intimates into fawning admirers and much-needed validators inoculates narcissists from conscience pangs. Their proneness to idealization or envy (Cain et al., 2008) further reflects cognitive empathy deficits.
In contrast, borderlines retain emotional and mentalistic empathy (Harari et al., 2010), albeit inconsistently when dysregulated. Losing empathy happens situationally while identifying with others’ pain generally perseveres for borderlines.
Empathy Metrics in NPD and BPD
- Affective empathy impairment: NPD = 81%, BPD = 0%
- Cognitive empathy impairment: NPD = 63-97%, BPD = intermittently
- Dehumanizing others: NPD = high, BPD = low
(Source: Ritter et al., 2011)
This divergence in empathy makes exploiting, manipulating, or punishing intimates feel natural for narcissists yet disturbing to borderlines. However, both employ self-harming and outburst behaviors unconsciously to manipulate others during dysregulated states.
Destructive Idealization Patterns
Both narcissists and borderlines initially idealize romantic partners with great intensity, envisioning their prospective lover as a longed-for rescuer (Behary, 2013). This fantasy of merging with an all-good caretaker figure reflects unmet childhood attachment needs. However, different motives perpetuate these idealization patterns.
Narcissists project supreme qualities onto their target to prop up their grandiose false self (Gunderson & Links, 2008). They employ cognitive distortion and fantasy to construct this perfect pedestal partner. Eventually narcissists bitterly devalue once intimates inevitably fail living up to impossible standards.
In contrast, borderlines genuinely yearn for reciprocal loving acceptance via idealization of hoped-for nurturers (Agrawal et al., 2004). However, incipient identity diffusion and abandonment expectations destine such romanticizations for devastating disillusionment.
Borderlines thereby turn self-loathing outward, attacking ex-idols once raging fears of engulfment or betrayal get triggered. Their devaluation shifts more rapidly from shamelessly disparaging themselves.
Manipulation and Gaslighting Tactics
Machiavellian manipulation tactics pervade narcissistic relating (Jonason & Krause, 2013). Female covert narcissists subtly train intimates to cater admiringly via intermittent rewards and punishments. Flattery elicits egotistical supply while sudden coldness or rage mobilizes anxious efforts to get re-idealized. This dynamic brainwashes victims losing all perspective or personal needs.
Insulting epithets, gaslighting, triangulation, and threats of abandonment coerce desired conformity. For instance, a narcissistic wife might undermine her partner’s confidence while occasionally offering affection following mistreatment episodes. The traumatizing cycle becomes addictive while eroding the victim’s self-worth.
Borderlines similarly evidence immature defense mechanisms like splitting positive and negative self-images and projecting rejections or betrayal fears (Masterson, 1993). Their nagging insecurity means borderlines frequently fish for compliments too. However, deliberate mind games and strategic manipulation mostly characterize narcissists, not borderline individuals.
Emotional Reactivity and Triggers
Both narcissistic personality and borderline disorder involve emotional dysregulation (Schoenleber & Berenbaum, 2012). However, reactivity patterns and triggering stimuli substantially differ. Narcissistic rage erupts in response to ego threats exposing the false self’s fragile inauthenticity (Kernberg, 1975). Criticism, slights, or withholding validation mobilizes fury and vengeful retaliation against truth-telling offenders. Their rage reaction abates swiftly once re-stabilizing narcissistic defenses reactivate.
Alternatively, borderline emotional volatility stems from identity diffusion fears. Perceived abandonment, rejection, or reminders of trauma trigger panic reactions, rage, sadness, emptiness, and paranoia about losing supportive attachments (APA, 2013). These intense affects spiral through rapid oscillation rather than discharge through a single eruption. Dysphoric emotions endure intermittently for extended periods.
Different Reactivity Profiles
- Rage trigger: NPD = ego threat, BPD = abandonment
- Duration: NPD = acute single blast, BPD = enduring fluctuations
- Expression: NPD = externalized, BPD = internal & external
In essence, narcissistic fury defends false pride while borderline outbursts reflect attachment insecurity and self-loathing. Both require psychotherapy help to overcome through opposite treatment approaches.
Amenability to Therapeutic Change
All personality disorders prove highly resistant to change, with under fifty percent remission rates after years of psychotherapy (Links et al., 2015). However, borderline pathology demonstrates greater responsivity once trust in the therapist’s consistency establishes. Dialectical behavior therapy, mentalization techniques, and psychodynamic approaches successfully reduce self-harm and suicide risk while increasing behavioral self-control, empathy, distress tolerance, and relationship stability (Cristea et al., 2017).
Nevertheless, treating narcissistic personality disorder remains extremely challenging with poor outcomes (Ronningstam, 2011). Narcissists reject feedback that contradicts their defensive self-image of perfection and superiority. Taking personal responsibility elicits intolerable shame. Grandiose narcissists also dislike “needing help” from anyone. Vulnerable narcissists occasionally deepen self-understanding through psychotherapy groups. However, prospects for fundamental personality restructuring stay dim due to ego syntonic traits.
Treatment Amenability
- NPD: 21% remission after 6-8 years therapy
- BPD: 85% reach recovery milestone after year of DBT
(Sources: Ronningstam, 2011; Neacsiu et al., 2014)
In summary, while borderlines suffer profoundly, motivational readiness for self-examination exists. But narcissists perceive nothing warranting change in themselves, thereby precluding healing.
Summarizing Key Differences
This guide delineates core distinctions between female covert narcissist personality patterns versus borderline characteristics:
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Narcissists lack empathy while borderlines retain emotional attunement inconsistently.
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Narcissists’ grandiose facade conceals shame and insecurity while borderline self-loathing shows overtly via self-attack.
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Manipulation and gaslighting pervade narcissists’ relating while borderlines unconsciously seek signs of rejection.
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Narcissistic rage emerges defensively when facing ego threats while borderline volatility links to abandonment fears.
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Borderline individuals demonstrate greater amenability to therapy outcomes unlike narcissists.
I hope these insights empower readers to identify narcissistic manipulation while extending compassion about the psychic suffering permeating borderline pathology. You did not cause personality disorders yet can mindfully respond in ways upholding personal rights and self-care priorities. My concluding advice focuses on strategies promoting safety and sanity when interacting with a female covert narcissist or borderline.
Conclusion: Prioritizing Self-Care in Responding
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Cease attempting to change or convince her about her issues. Progress only emerges from intrinsic motivation.
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Keep interactions calm, brief and centered on practical matters. Don’t take bait to indulge personal attacks or chaotic outbursts.
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Seek support to process feelings separately from her. Co-dependency enables instability.
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Set firm boundaries about unacceptable behaviors. Follow through consistently with consequences.
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Cultivate self-compassion and peer connections fulfilling emotional needs she cannot meet.
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In abusive/unsafe situations, consider ceasing contact or liaising via intermediaries.
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Seek counseling support specializing in trauma recovery and codependency issues.
No matter how compassionately you attempt to relate to a narcissistic or borderline personality disordered woman, ensuring wellbeing remains essential. Their disorder cannot become your life. Manifesting the saner, happier destiny you deserve involves recognizing unhealthy dynamics and taking action. You always retain power to improve life by caring for your needs first.