Ending a romantic relationship leaves most people saddened, lost or frustrated. However, parting ways with an avoidant partner who needs amplealone time and space can feel utterly impossible to recover from.
Fortunately, it is indeed possible to restart a seemingly doomed relationship with this unique attachment style armed with expertise on attachment theory psychology. This extensive guide will provide you with a research-backed step-by-step plan centered around understanding the anxious-avoidant trap, strategic communication approaches, and secure attachment principles.
Section 1: Attachment Theory and The Anxious-Avoidant Dance
To comprehend why so many lovers fall into the toxic push-and-pull trap, we must first explore attachment theory. Conceived in the 1950s by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, this developmental framework revolutionized our grasp of early childhood bonds between caregivers and children.
The Core Wounds That Shape Adult Attachment
According to attachment theory, we unconsciously develop an attachment style as infants and toddlers based on our caregivers’ responsiveness and nurturing ability – or lack thereof. While genetic factors play a partial role, the majority of attachment style development depends on our early life experiences.
As world-renowned psychologist and researcher Dr. Amir Levine explains in his book Attached, attachment styles essentially derive from emotional wounds inflicted in childhood:
“Your style of attachment was formed at the very beginning of your life, during your first two years. Once established, it changed little, even though it may have made for a lot of pain for you and those close to you.”
Though largely set by age two, our attachment style continues influencing our romantic perceptions, needs and behaviors into adulthood. When two people enter an intimate relationship, their unconscious attachment styles collide in ways that can delight or destroy.
There are four primary adult attachment style categories:
Secure – Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy
Anxious/Preoccupied – Preoccupied with relationships, seeks high levels of intimacy
Dismissive-Avoidant – Avoidant of intimacy, prizes independence
Fearful-Avoidant – Socially avoidant, fears intimacy
The most common and dysfunctional pairing is the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic – whether the avoidant partner has dismissive or fearful tendencies.
Why The Anxious-Avoidant Attraction Is So Potent
As Chris Seiter described in his video on reconciling with avoidant exes, those with an anxious attachment style are frequently dealing with abandonment wounds and beliefs from childhood that excessive intimacy can keep at bay. They seek reassurance and togetherness in relationships on an almost addictive level due to past emotional neglect.
In contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style equate intimacy to a loss of independence, rationality and control based on early experiences with cold and rejecting caretakers. They instinctively fear losing themselves in love and intimacy.
This sets up a magnetic ‘opposites attract’ scenario where the anxious individual‘s outpouring of affection nicely eases the avoidant’s intimacy issues…at first. Likewise, the avoidant’s aloofness poses an exciting challenge to the anxious person.
But this thrilling dynamic quickly turns problematic and painful for both partners.
The Push-Pull Anxious Avoidant Trap
The anxious partner’s initialadmiration, affection and accommodation makes the avoidant feel surprisingly safe. But soon their extreme attempts at closeness begin triggering the avoidant person’s engulfment fears on an primal, subconscious level.
The avoidant’s instinctive self-protective distancing then intensely triggers the anxious individual‘s abandonment terror. This makes them try even harder to reestablish contact and reassurance from their partner…which only prompts further withdrawal.
A nightmarishly vicious push-pull cycle is activated where pursuing intensifies distancing intensifies pursuing.
Neither partner intends harm, yet they repeatedly inflict attachment wounds on each other. This inevitable anxious-avoidant trap stems from profound misunderstanding of one another’s childhood-borne attachment needs.
“What makes things so difficult is that, as adults, we remain to a large extent unaware of our attachment style and unconscious reactions. We don’t know that the reason we’re reacting this way is because of bad relationship experiences when we were very young.” – Dr. Amir Levine
Without awareness and proper management, this anxious-avoidant dance rarely ends well. The avoidant deactivates their attachment system entirely, seeking distance and independence, while the anxious clings tighter in protest. The table below outlines the conflicting dynamics:
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| Anxious Partner | Avoidant Partner |
|---|---|
| – Seeks fulfillment primarily through relationships
– Craves deep intimacy, reassurance and reciprocation from partner – Fearful of abandonment and rejection – Highly attuned to relationship dynamics – Pursues harder when partner pulls back |
– Prizes rationality, independence and control
– Equates intimacy to loss of autonomy – Values self-sufficiency – Minimizes emotions – Withdraws more when partner pursues |
Dr. Levine poignantly summarizes the quandary:
“For people with different attachment styles, even the word ‘love’ has opposing meanings.”
This sets the stage for heartache. But armed with attachment insight, we can interrupt the inevitable anxious-avoidant downward spiral.
Section 2: Strategically Giving Your Avoidant Ex Space
When an avoidant partner initiates a breakup, the anxious person’s knee-jerk reaction is to immediately try convincing them to reconsider. This is the worst plan, according to experts and statistical research.
Why Pushing Your Avoidant Ex Will Backfire
As Chris Sieger emphasized in his YouTube video, studies show avoidant individuals actually miss and fondly reminisce about their partner the most when apart – provided they have ample personal space. The minute intimacy is reinitiated before they are ready, negative emotions resurface:
“When avoidants are separated from their partner, they actually long for them more when they don’t have access to them.”
This seemingly counterintuitive finding makes complete sense through an attachment theory lens. The relationship itself triggers avoidants’ involuntary engulfment alarms and need to isolate. Physical and emotional distance relieves this unconscious anxiety.
Respecting avoidants’ hardwired need for independence – even after a breakup – ironically allows fond feelings to resurface once the negative tensions settle. Love has space and air to blossom once more.
Employ The No Contact Rule…Strategically
Giving an avoidant ex physical and emotional space does not mean abandoning all hope. The no contact rule is a powerfully effective strategy in this context.
As Chris explains, at least one month of no contact is critical when attempting to reconnect with an avoidant ex. This allows for:
- Emotional separation – Breakup wounds heal without constant anxiety triggers. Avoidants recalls positive aspects of the relationships without feeling engulfed.
- Personal growth – Anxiety attachments shift closer to earned security. Self-confidence independent of the relationship is built.
- Renewed attraction – Absence makes avoidants’ hearts grow fonder once intimacy alarms have calmed.
No contact should never be used as some kind of manipulative ploy though, Chris cautions. Avoidants will instinctively resent such tricks. Rather, view no contact as an essential period of self-improvement and relationship detox.
Chris notes how this provides the necessary space avoidants require before even considering intimacy again:
“No contact works incredibly well with avoidants, but not for the reasons people think…They need a lot of time by themselves before they‘re ready.”
When reinitiating contact after at least one month, proceed slowly and cautiously. Avoidants by nature move at a glacial, calculated pace in romance – which we must respect.
Match The Avoidant Ex‘s Guarded Pace
The most common and damaging mistake people seeking to reconnect with avoidant partners make is rushing the intimacy rebuilding too fast warns Chris:
“One of the dangers people face when trying to get an avoidant back is they go too fast. You’ve really got to take your time, because avoidants need a lot of time.”
This means gently reestablishing contact via casual check-ins. From there, mirror their contact frequency and depth. Avoid peppering them with effusive affection or unrealistic promises about the future too soon.
Let them lead the emotional progression. Match their pace rather than overwhelming them. This slower tempo aligns with attachment science on effectively courting avoidants.
Section 3: Cultivating A Secure Attachment Yourself
While giving an avoidant partner breathing room is step #1, repairing relationships fractured by attachment wounds requires personal growth work by the anxious partner as well.
Get Therapy To Shift Towards Earned Security
Seeking a therapist specializing in attachment theory can profoundly help anxious individuals understand their excessive intimacy needs and shift closer to security. By healing our own attachment insecurities, we simultaneously foster healthy relating.
In their 2009 study titled Earned–secure attachment status in retrospect and prospect, Dr. Jeffry Simpson and colleagues found that earned security – a largely secure attachment style developed through self-improvement in adulthood – was advantageous in relationships. They write:
"Individuals who earned security reported less anxious and avoidant behavior in romantic relationships than did their insecure counterparts.”
This demonstrates how even if our early childhood failed to provide secure attachment foundations, we can develop security later by getting therapy, working through traumas, building self-esteem beyond relationships and practicing healthy interdependence.
Strive For Secure Attachment Gravity
When one partner cultivates secure attachment through personal development work, it positively affects the attachment style of the other partner. Researchers Emma Buchtel and Jay Belsky coined the term “secure base contagion” to describe this unconscious phenomenon. In laymen’s terms, it’s called secure attachment gravity.
Chris Sieger summarizes secure attachment gravity well in his video:
“Every single relationship you get into is like a science experiment because both partners have the ability to affect and change each other‘s attachment styles.”
Though we cannot force partners to transform, intimates inevitably impact and model behavior for each other – for better or worse. Becoming more securely attached through counseling pulls the relationship dynamic closer to security.
The more the anxious partner nurtures self-confidence and consistency, the more security the avoidant partner Internalizes and replicates through unconscious bonding mechanisms. Our interpersonal relationships function as attachment petri dishes culturing either security or anxiety.
Section 4: Reignite The Spark Using Push-Pull Theory
Giving an avoidant partner breathing room may seem counterproductive. However, maintaining some space and uncertainty actually constructs strong relational foundations according to scientific research on attachment bonds.
The Strange Science Behind Push-Pull Theory
Have you ever notice how chasing someone ardently often makes them lose interest? Or maybe they pursued you intensely, but you felt oddly turned off? This seemingly illogical phenomenon is explained by push-pull relationship theory in social psychology.
First introduced by researchers in the 1940s, push-pull theory observes how intimacy paired with intermittent distance amplifies romantic attraction most effectively. It especially applies in anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics.
“When they pull away, you have to give them space as they deal with their avoidance. When they come back around, you also have to pull back a little bit and kind of engage them in that push-pull.” – Chris Seiter
This strategic dance prevents desensitizing an avoidant to intimacy while simultaneously enhancing longing during periods apart. The plotting chart below demonstrates the wave-like relational dynamic at play:
Chris explains how activating this crescendoing wave of closeness then withdrawal serves attachment needs:
“It keeps that longing there…and it allows them an opportunity to romanticize the relationship.”
Researchers also discovered anxious individuals feel more motivated and less fearful using this technique as well compared to pursuit alone.
Applied consciously post-breakup once adequate physical and emotional space has occurred, push-pull can profoundly reignite sparks between the anxious and avoidant. It ultimately provides consistency at a digestible pace.
Gentle Reinitiation Strategies
When looking to reconnect with an avoidant ex after roughly a month of no contact, I advise my clients to reenter the radar gently. This lays the secure attachment groundwork before actively engaging push-pull techniques.
Here are some secure ways to reach out:
- Send a neutral text – No emotional pleas. Think something along the lines of: “I just wanted to say hi and see how your month has been. No expectations.”
- Suggest a low-stakes meetup – Avoid heavy talks right away. Instead propose something chill like: “If you’d ever like to grab a friendly coffee, let me know.”
- Discuss neutral memories – Upon reconnecting, bring up easygoing memories: “Remember that hiking trip? Good times.”
- Never corner them – Don’t pepper them with effusive affection or make them feel trapped. Give them continuous room to engage freely.
From there, you can strategically start infusing the push-pull dynamic to reignite attachment longing during periods of positive contact. Some examples:
- Occasionally be the one to end interactions first to induce missing.
- After a great date, wait an extra day or two to text versus immediately.
- When they surfaces vulnerability, match then gently change the subject.
The goal is to meet avoidants where they are at – then lead then into intimacy…before retreating a tad. Rinse and repeat.
When applied dexterously and with empathy, push-pull theory helps avoidant individuals fall back into your arms time and time again without totally deactivating their attachment system’s alarm response.
In Closing: Attachment Theory as the Compass
Few broken intimate bonds elicit more bewilderment and pain than the anxious-avoidant relationship spiral. The visceral experience of a partner repeatedly cycling between intense closeness and icy distance leaves both parties feeling confused and hopeless.
However, the gift attachment theory offers anxiety-attached individuals suffering heartbreak over an avoidant ex lies in finally making sense of otherwise baffling behavior. It provides clarity and direction. No longer must we blindly grope in the dark for where things went wrong or how to course correct.
Instead attachment psychology hands us an insightful roadmap rooted in 50 years of empirical research on childhood wounds and relating patterns. It shows us precisely why the anxious-avoidant trap ensnares so many lovers in its grip. And it empower us to dismantle dysfunctional dynamics with targeted strategies.
While attachment theory explains why some partnerships seem destined for disconnection, it also illuminates a hopeful path back together. By courageously doing our personal work, respecting intimacy thresholds and engaging mutual attachment needs – rebirth emerges from ashes of pain.
Healing avoidant relationships calls us to radically reimagine love itself – expansive enough to nurture our shared longing for security, support and freedom. With brave empathy, time and finesse, its radiance finds us again.