Covert narcissism is a subtle form of narcissistic personality disorder marked by grandiosity and self-importance as well as a need for admiration and special treatment. However, unlike overt narcissists who display their arrogance publicly, covert narcissists tend to keep their sense of superiority and entitlement private, making their disorder difficult to identify. This is especially true with female covert narcissists who utilize specific tactics to exploit, manipulate, and gain control over their romantic partners.
In this comprehensive guide, we will explore 10 of the most common manipulation tactics used by female covert narcissists to inflict harm on their relationship partners. Understanding these tactics is the first step in detecting emotional abuse and removing yourself from toxic relationships.
1. Love Bombing
Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. With female covert narcissists, this often manifests as effusive praise, flattery, and affection at the beginning stages of a romantic relationship. She will make her partner feel like the most special, desired person in the world. However, after she feels she has secured her partner‘s admiration and trust, she will withdraw all affection and positive feedback, leaving her partner constantly trying to win back her approval. This flipping of the script is emotionally damaging and leaves the partner dependent on her validation.
For example, Susan seemed loving and passionate when she and Mark first started dating. She raved about his intelligence and talent, admired his achievements, and constantly told him she‘d never felt such a strong connection with anyone. Mark felt he had found his soulmate. However, just a few months into their marriage, Susan began picking fights over insignificant issues and withholding affection. Mark was left confused, trying desperately to regain Susan‘s adoration. This emotional rollercoaster kept Mark on shaky ground, idealizing Susan when she showed him love while vilifying himself when she ignored him.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting refers to the act of manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity and perception of reality. Female covert narcissists frequently rely on gaslighting tactics to destabilize their partners. By lying, denying previous statements, undermining their partner‘s judgments, or falsely accusing them of poor memory or mental instability, covert narcissists attack their partner‘s ability to perceive objective reality. Over time, this insidious tactic steadily erodes the self-esteem and confidence of her partner, allowing the narcissist to gain control.
For example, when Lisa‘s husband confronted her about flirting inappropriately with a neighbor, she vehemently denied it and accused him of being delusional and irrationally jealous. She brought several of her friends to back her up, making him question his own recollection of events. Over many similar instances, Lisa‘s husband internalized blame and wondered if he was going insane. In truth, Lisa was gaslighting him as a way to escape accountability for her inappropriate behavior.
3. Ruthless Gossip
While female covert narcissists keep their grandiose sense of self-importance hidden from public view, many relish in covert tactics like malicious gossip. By spreading negative or embarrassing information about others, the narcissist boosts their fragile ego while simultaneously climbing the social ladder. Female narcissists build alliances to isolate their targets and damage reputations.
In the entertainment industry, female celebrity narcissists utilize assistants, publicists and stylists as their "flying monkeys" to carry out PR assassinations of their perceived rivals. For example, pop star LeAnna was infuriated by the success of breakthrough artist Zahra. LeAnna‘s assistants started planting cruel industry gossip about Zahra, heaping false accusations about her behavior with sly denials of culpability. As a result, Zahra faced career-damaging rumors that proved very difficult to overcome.
4. Emasculation
Female narcissists know that attacking a man‘s ability to provide for and protect his family is an effective blow against masculine identity. They will manipulate perceived gender roles as a way to contain and control their male partners. For example, by cutting a partner‘s financial freedom, sabotaging his career goals, disparaging his sexual prowess, or physically assaulting his self-esteem through shame and blame, a covert female narcissist can keep a male partner weakened and dependent on her approval.
Lisa slowly convinced her boyfriend Alan he was incompetent at fixing household problems and handling finances. She constantly criticized his handyman skills and money management decisions. Paralyzed by Lisa‘s accusations of his inadequacies, Alan grew meek and unsure of himself. Lisa enjoyed a position of control and used Alan‘s damaged ego and fear of failure to get what she wanted.
5. Faking Empathy
While female narcissists demonstrate an incredible capacity for faked empathy with acquaintances and strangers, those closest to them experience the polar opposite. When dealing with intimate partners, her fundamental lack of empathy comes to the surface. Partners discover that when they need her emotional support the most—during bereavement, job loss, or illness—the female covert narcissist grows completely cold, critical and unsupportive. By withdrawing all compassion precisely when her partner desperately needs it, she reveals her true colors as completely self-absorbed and uncaring.
John was struggling with the recent death of his father. His wife Julie initially seemed sympathetic and offered words of comfort. However, after just a few days, Julie became irritated by John‘s grief. She scolded him for being weak, reminding him that life moves forward after a funeral. Julie refused to make concessions for John‘s emotional needs, ignoring his pain and pressuring him to pretend everything was normal. Julie ultimately lacked genuine compassion, believing only her own needs and desires mattered.
6. Moving Goalposts
Female narcissists enjoy keeping their partners in a perpetual state of confusion. They constantly change the unspoken rules and expectations of the relationship so their partner can never feel secure in their ability to please them. This forces the partner into a relentless cycle of self-criticism and attempts to win legitimate affection.
For example, Lucy showered praise on her fiancé Vince when he planned an expensive dinner for their anniversary. So the next week, Vince surprised her with an indulgent couples massage. However, Lucy reacted irritably, accusing Vince of being too extravagant. She snapped at him for not spending that money on paying off debts instead. Vince was bewildered by Lucy‘s irrational reaction after she just rewarded him for organizing an expensive anniversary dinner. Lucy‘s capriciousness kept Vince feeling anxious and unsure of himself.
7. You Can Never Make Them Happy
Similar to the moving goalposts manipulation, female narcissists enjoy keeping their partners in a constant state of insecurity about their worth in the relationship. The female narcissist creates unrealistic expectations that are impossible to ever fully meet. She compares her partner unfavorably to others and makes subtly demeaning comments that slowly gnaw away at their self-esteem. Partners ultimately realize they can never make her happy – they feel doomed to fail despite their best efforts to please her.
Claire was attracted to Michael at first because he shared her passion for art and music. But soon after they moved in together, Claire picked fights over Michael not earning enough income to support her lavish and impulsive spending habits. She started criticizing Michael for lacking ambition and painted subtle comparisons between Michael and men in their social circle who earned more money in corporate law or medicine. Michael was previously proud of his artistic career, but Claire‘s devaluation of his creative talents made him feel inadequate and useless. He grew ashamed of his modest earnings, tormented by Claire‘s talent for exploiting his insecurities.
8. Weaponizing Jealousy
Female narcissists know how to use jealousy as a sadistic manipulation game. Early on, they will test their partner‘s level of loyalty and emotional investment by provoking feelings of jealousy. For example, a female narcissist may openly flirt with other men in her partner‘s presence. She will closely observe her partner‘s reaction, cataloging signs of possessiveness for future exploitation. Later in the relationship, she may manufacture scenarios designed specifically to trigger intense jealously. She may mention sexual experiences with her ex, talk about all the romantic attention she receives from strangers, or even generate dishonest love triangles with people from her past. Using jealousy as an instrusive tactic, she chips away at her partner‘s self esteem. Ultimately, partners feel unable control her manipulative behavior or properly satisfy her demands for loyalty.
9. Financial and Career Sabotage
Narcissists feel entitled to exploit their partner‘s financial and material resources or professional connections. Many female narcissists target wealthy men or men useful as stepping stones in their careers. Once their foot is in the door, they will pressure and manipulate these men into advancing their position, showering them with resources or keeping them living in luxury.
For example, Tanya was a struggling actress when she met producer Bill at a film festival party. She aggressively flirted with the much older but well-connected industry tycoon. A few weeks later, Tanya contacted Bill asking for help getting a minor role in his new movie. Thrilled she reached out again, Bill quickly pulled strings to get Tanya hired. A few months later, Tanya manipulated Bill into leaving his wife so she could benefit from his financial resources and Hollywood clout. Within a year, Tanya had a starring role in Bill‘s next big feature, though she internally had no respect for the besotted producer she‘d seduced for her advantage.
10. Selective Boundaries
While overt narcissists violate the rules with little care about consequences, covert female narcissists utilize boundaries selectively as instruments for power and control. They may create arbitrary boundaries around behaviors that limit their partner‘s independence or self expression, enforcing these rules through manipulation tactics like gaslighting, silent treatment or rage attacks. However, the narcissist freely exempts herself from these same rules, holding a blatant double standard in the relationship. Partners feel trapped in a no-win dynamic marked by confusion, threatened autonomy and constant attacks if they dare violate one of her unfairly established boundaries.
Conclusion
In conclusion, female covert narcissists employ an arsenal of tactics including love bombing, gaslighting, malicious gossip, emasculation, lack of empathy, moving goalposts, devaluation and jealousy provocation to manipulate and inflict harm their romantic partners. The emotional damage caused by these narcissistic behaviors can leave targets plagued by insecurity, anxiety, low self worth and even post traumatic stress disorder. However, awareness of how covert female narcissists operate offers targets the ability to detect abuse early and remove themselves from toxic relationships as quickly as possible. Cutting contact protects targets from prolonged exploitation so they can regain a strong sense of self and rebuild self confidence destroyed by the narcissist’s cruelty. With time, insight and support from mental health professionals, survivors can unpack trauma bonds to abusive narcissists and open themselves to finding authentic, caring connections that support mutual growth.