Going through a breakup is devastating enough. Discovering your ex no longer has romantic feelings or attraction toward you can feel like an additional gut punch. It may leave you wondering – is it possible to rekindle emotional and physical desire in your ex after it has already faded?
While not a guarantee, implementing "no contact" properly presents the best opportunity to facilitate getting those feelings back. Especially if you combine it with intentional self-improvement.
In this comprehensive guide, I’ll walk you through:
- Why feelings get lost in relationships
- How no contact helps revive emotional attraction
- Proven strategies to optimize the process
- Common mistakes to avoid
- My best advice for sparking chemistry if you reconnect
Let’s dive in…
Why Do Feelings and Attraction Get Lost?
The dissolution of romantic interest in a partner rarely happens suddenly. More often it occurs slowly over time – the result of a relational death by a thousand cuts.
To better understand why feelings fade, it helps to examine common interpersonal dynamics that facilitate this erosion:
The Familiarity Treadmill
There’s a proven psychological principle called the “hedonic treadmill.” It means humans quickly adapt to stable life circumstances – allowing any emotional boost they initially provide to fade.
The same concept applies in relationships regarding excitement and satisfaction.
What feels novel and thrilling at the start – frequent intimacy, learning new things about one another,embeds sharing new adventures – progressively feels bland as it becomes familiar routine.
Loss of Independence
Early relationship stages involve missing your partner intensely when apart and craving maximum together time. But research confirms most humans also have an underlying craving for autonomy and independence which builds over time.^[1]
If those self-directed needs get chronically neglected or a couple’s lives fuse too seamlessly, feelings of being trapped or taken for granted often emerge. Resentment can take hold – as can losing sight of personal interests and enjoyment outside the relationship.^[2]
Communication Breakdown
As psychologist Dr. John Gottman’s research revealed, one of the strongest predictors of long-term relational success is effectively navigating perpetual conflicts.^[3] All couples argue – it‘s inevitable. But contempt, criticism, and stonewalling during conflict corrode intimacy over time.
Unresolved tensions or simmering resentments chip away mutual understanding and emotional connection – causing attraction to decline.
Loss of Self-Identity
Experts reference the transition from “falling in love” to “rising in love.” This distinction involves maturing beyond intense infatuation and into genuine intimacy – rooted in fully knowing, embracing, and supporting each other’s complete individual selves.
But this requires continual nurturance and discovery well into long-term commitment. If self-identities get locked into stagnant roles, mutual growth is hindered – along with depth of connection.
In a sense, your distinctive “you-ness” is what your partner originally fell in love with. So obscuring development of your nuanced self also obscures fullness of attraction.^[4]
There are other documented reasons – from bored routines to betrayals of trust.^[5] But repeatedly, the undercurrent eroding affection comes down to emotional needs going unfulfilled in the absence of engagement, novelty, autonomy or depths of relating.
Fortunately, initiating “no contact” facilitates reversing these deficits – if leveraged intentionally.
How No Contact Helps Regain Lost Feelings
Implementing no contact simply means completely abstaining from interacting with your ex for an established period of time post-breakup – typically 30-45 days.
This involves no calling, texting, liking social media posts, apologizing or pleading to get them back. It requires cutting off all connection cold turkey.
At first glance, this seems counterintuitive if your goal involves reestablishing emotional intimacy. But several unique psychological dynamics emerge from the vacuum of no contact which can renew faded feelings.
Reset Negative Patterns
As examined earlier, recurring cycles of criticism, tediousness, co-dependence, unresolved arguments or other dynamics degrade affection in relationships over time. These patterns become embedded.
But enforcing zero contact for a full month essentially presses “pause” on this momentum. It clears the slate – creating space to break out of dysfunctional grooves upon eventual reconnection.
If you spend the break intentionally improving communication skills, finding enriching hobbies, addressing issues that distanced your ex, etc., the fresh baseline offers a renewed chance to interact positively.
Restore Mystery and Curiosity
Remember – pursuing self-expansion is key to sustaining attraction long-term. So after the initial honeymoon phase, your ex likely feels there’s little exciting depth left to explore in you.
But by completely withdrawing your presence in their life for weeks, their natural curiosity about you will rebuild – especially if you focus on self-cultivation in the meantime.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say. By you focusing inward on growth rather than outward on your ex during no contact, their intrigue regarding how you’re evolving will accumulate – reactivating magnetism.^[6]
Self-Improvement Multiplies Value
Evolutionary psychology confirms that perceived “mate value” determines attraction levels. When you date someone, their admirable qualities make them a prized partner. But complacency kills – because mate value tied directly to desirable traits wanes without continual betterment.^[7]
Dedicate your month of no contact to intentionally improving yourself, your life, looks, career, talents, knowledge, social connections etc. Become undeniably higher value.
Even if your ex doesn’t know the details, they’ll notice positive changes. This organic self-actualization makes you more appealing by compounding mate value.
Absence Makes Hearts Grow Fonder
There’s also the simple dynamic of people taking their partner for granted after continual access. But once removed from their daily life, nostalgia kicks in about what they’re now missing.
Like the old adage goes – “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Provided you demonstrate strength by upholding no contact, their longing for you and poignant memories will steadily heighten over weeks of no interaction.
Combine this with curiosity about your changes and evolution, and attraction can quickly reignite once conditions align for positive reconnection.
This summarizes why methodically leveraging the no contact interval can help revive faded feelings after the spark was lost. Now let’s explore how to optimize it…
Optimizing No Contact to Restore Attraction
Simply avoiding contact without intention after heartbreak could bring some benefit. But thoughtfully structuring your efforts during the month apart maximizes effectiveness towards rekindling emotional desire.
Here is comprehensive guidance:
Cut Off Contact Completely
This one is non-negotiable. No covert checking their social media or finding excuses to chat. Total detox – phone numbers blocked, apps removed. Refrain from asking mutual friends about them.
If your ex discovers you “cheating”, it breaks trust in the process and suggests you lack self-control and strength. Stay disciplined.
Immerse in Self-Expansion Goals
Rather than wallowing in grief, devote yourself to things which inherently fulfill you – and expand who you are at your core:
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Develop new skills: Cooking classes, musical instruments, foreign languages, web development etc. These boost your “mate value”.
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Deepen existing talents: Produce that album, compete in races, build your side business. Leverage experience into excellence.
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Get socially immersed: Meet new people, strengthen existing friendships. Humans need connection; don’t isolate.
- Take solo adventures: Sign up for hiking trips, volunteer abroad, attend conferences. Discovery fosters growth.
This “me-volution” organically boosts attraction, as highlighted earlier regarding mate value and mystery.
Address Self-Improvement Areas
Often by the end, your ex directly or indirectly indicated things that eroded the relationship. Use the no contact period for intentional betterment:
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Resolve emotional baggage: Seek counseling, process traumas, conquer insecurities. This builds self-awareness and tools for avoiding past pitfalls.
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Develop maturity: Read personal growth books, listen to educational podcasts, seek out mentors. Becoming more wise and self-possessed deepens your magnetism.
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Build conflict resolution skills: Study Gottman, Chapman or Hendrix. Learn to argue better verbally via couples therapy workbooks. Mastering conflict navigation prevents repeating past friction.
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Overcome weaknesses: Impulsiveness? Temper? Indecisiveness? Whatever your flaws, target them – we all have them. Conquering Achilles’ heels bolsters admirability.
This “healing you, healing us” mentality removes contributory factors to former emotional havoc – priming your best self to show up in the future.
Date Yourself
Nurture happiness in independence – don’t just isolate and pine for your ex. Bring all that self-expansion into joyful solo dates with you:
- Plan weekend trips or staycations solo – enjoy relaxing freedom
- Check out new restaurants, films, concerts, museums – feed your soul
- Pamper yourself with massages, saunas, spending sprees – you deserve it
This builds confidence and fulfillment regardless of your ex’s choices when you reconnect. Desperation and neediness are never attractive – so avoid making your joy contingent on them.
Thriving authentically in your own skin makes you more alluring. And if no reciprocal spark results from future outreach, at least you’re already building an enriching life!
So in summary – even without their involvement, stay active, social, challenged and happy.
Let Them Initiate Future Contact
When sufficient time has passed after employing the full menu of self-expansion practices above – at least 45 days – the pivotal moment will arrive.
Hopefully absence combined with personal improvements made your ex miss you – and curiosity about reconciling will arise. If so, they will likely subtly “poke around” via social media or texts to gauge your interest level in reconnecting.
When this happens, let them set the pace!
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If they simply “like” an Instagram post – mirror their medium effort reply. Over-engaging could smother renewed attraction.
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If they text you something impersonal – give a simple, polite response. But don’t profess undying love or suggest meeting up. Let them gradually warm back up on their terms.
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If they directly communicate missing you and ask to meet – calmly agree. But don’t appear overeager; make them work for it a bit.
Basically – mirror their investment, but follow their lead. Good things come to those who don’t desperately chase. Play it cool.
Now, once that first post-no contact meet-up happens, how do you maximize chemistry?
Sparking Magic When Reuniting In-Person
After employing no contact effectively, your first date will likely feel electrically charged. Weeks of absence and intrigue culminate in finally reuniting face-to-face!
Assuming attraction rebuilding has occurred on their end, leverage these proven tips to fan the flames:
Demonstrate Positive Changes
Your first meet-up is essentially an “interview” to display all the personal upgrades you focused on while apart – indirectly communicating higher mate value now.
So come prepared with strategic talking points to subtly demonstrate your awesomeness – without appearing egotistical.
Limit Relationship Talk Initially
Save “us” focused discussions for later. Concentrate first meetups instead on light, engaging topical conversations – dreams, adventures, ideas etc. This avoids pressuring emotions.
Find Unique Date Venues
Choose locations facilitating interactive bonding beyond the cliché dinner date. Examples: concerts, mini-golf, laser tag, escape rooms. Novel adventure infuses oxytocin!
Employ Flirting Fundamentals
Break touch barriers playfully, infuse sexual tension and fun banter, demonstrate confidence without arrogance. This chemistry rooted in polarity is rocket fuel.
In essence, counterbalance walking on eggshells to avoid relationship trauma talks with intentionally injecting adventurous flirtation.
Focus On Future Possibilities
While alluding to any improved dynamics from the past, keep the general atmosphere forward focused in terms of hopes, plans and vision – especially regarding self-expansion ambitions. This feels magnetic without pressuring committed roles yet.
In summary – demonstratively accentuate your most impressive matured facets seeded during no contact. But also mix in playfulness and possibility thinking to tap renewed aspirations. Finding this optimal ratio is key!
Common Mistakes to Avoid
While no contact can successfully rekindle lost feelings if applied conscientiously, plenty of missteps derail best laid plans:
Breaking No Contact Prematurely
Caving by responding to breadcrumbs or attempting to force a talk before the minimum 30 days sabotages the full emotional reset. Stay resilient if you want maximal odds of reattracting them.
Not Moving On Mentally
No contact works best when you embrace it as the first chapter of a new life – not clinging to fantasies about getting back together. Date others; fully process the breakup. Clarity sifts out lingering emotional baggage and neediness.
Making Drastic Physical Changes
Resist the urge towards hair color changes, facial hair alterations, plastic surgery makeovers etc. while apart. You want their “shock factor” reaction upon reunifying to come from positive mental/emotional upgrades – not unfamiliar superficial aesthetics.
Overplanning the Initial Meetup
While preparing talking points on self-improvement is wise, scripting everything obsessively backfires by making interactions feel stiff. Be in the moment – don‘t just recite “highlights reel” soundbites.
Love Bombing
When reuniting after no contact, it’s tempting to bombard them via excessive affection in hopes of force feeding returned feelings. But emotional intimacy can’t be coerced. Keep communication reciprocal early on – don’t smother sparking attraction.
In essence, avoid self-sabotaging no contact’s purification impact by letting anxious attachment bleeding through, rather than confidently demonstrating your upleveled self.
Trust the process.
The Critical Importance of Independence
We’ve explored many interpersonal elements regarding utilizing no contact and self-elevation to reattract an ex who lost feelings for you. Implementing the strategies earnestly does optimize success odds.
However, I emphasize reframing the entire endeavor itself regardless of eventual outcome.
View your journey first and foremost as one of self-actualization – finally becoming your best self both alone and in relationships generally.
If your ex ends up not reciprocating a revived attraction? You win still in the form of realizing your full independence and agency apart from them. Thriving without someone is the ultimate leverage for inspiring renewed desire in them.
So paradoxically, chase fulfillment itself – not simply the specific person. Love them, release them, grow exponentially – then allow fate to determine if you’re destined to gravitate together again down the road as more extraordinary versions of yourselves.
The no contact path presents that transformational launching point, if you embrace it as such – come what may.
In Closing
Losing emotional and physical attraction for a partner happens gradually before manifesting as breakup.
But methodically employing no contact creates space for feelings to regenerate as nostalgia and intrigue fill the void of your absence.
Combining this “out of sight, out of mind” effect with dedicating your separation to self-expansion causes you to level up significantly as a potential mate – organically enticing renewed desire.
While threats lurk regarding misusing this purification window, adhering to best practices maximizes your probability of getting back together under positive “new relationship energy”.
But remember – regardless of a specific reconciliation outcome, this journey is ultimately about you ascending into your best self.
So walk the no contact path conscientiously, but also patiently and detached from dependency on your ex. Become a shining star they can’t resist entering orbit around once more.
The rest takes care of itself in due time.