Decoding the Dismissive Avoidant Ex: How Their Post-Breakup Psychology Drives Them Away
When independent, self-reliant dismissive avoidants end a relationship, the chances of them returning often seem zero—especially once they disappear from your life. But by learning how these exes process breakups, you gain self-empowering insight.
Attachment theory reveals that dismissive avoidants unconsciously relive a painful cycle: seeking love, growing close, then fleeing when intimacy feels scary. What compels them to abandon relationships again and again? And do any ever find their way back?
Understanding their complex post-breakup psychology holds the answers.
Defining the Elusive Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
First, let’s unpack what psychologists mean by “dismissive avoidant attachment.” This style stems from childhood emotional neglect or poor role models for vulnerability.
As adults, dismissive avoidants adapt by prizing independence, rationality, and achievement over emotional needs. Intimacy may unconsciously trigger fears of losing autonomy or getting hurt. So when romantic partners press for closeness, dismissive avoidants distance themselves—or leave entirely.
According to Chris Seiter, a relationship coach analyzing attachment theory patterns, here is the cycle plaguing dismissive avoidants:
The Dismissive Avoidant Relationship Cycle
- Longing for love
- Finding a promising partner
- Noticing “worrying” behaviors
- Ending the relationship
This cycle repeats as dismissive avoidants’ deep-rooted wounds collide with intimate relationships. Let’s explore the aftermath.
The Emotional Phases Dismissive Avoidants Experience Post-Breakup
Attachment experts find that dismissive avoidants commonly undergo three phases after ending a relationship:
Phase 1: Separation Elation
Initially, dismissive avoidants focus on the exciting prospect of regained autonomy. Without the burden of obligation or their ex’s needs, they feel free as a bird.
Chris Seiter notes most avoidants “will not miss their partner very much in the early stages of a breakup. Some clients even report feeling as though a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders.”
This "high" also serves as a buffer against the pain of loss—which will come soon enough.
Phase 2: The Depressive Episode
Weeks later, separation elation fades. Avoidants may grow apathetic about life or accomplishments without the shared vision of a future together. More worryingly, they descend into painful shame, disconnection, and numbness.
Seiter explains this depression forms as avoidants reluctantly acknowledge the attachment. They buried their needs so deeply that losing companionship rocks their foundation.
Mark Manson, self-development author, puts it this way:
“For people with an avoidant attachment, the irony is that in pushing away emotional attachment, they inadvertently sabotage their ability to achieve a deeper intimacy with themselves.”
This depressive phase passes like any grief. But it offers a window into the dismissive avoidant’s immense struggles with intimacy, dependence, and loss.
Phase 3: Longing and Regret
Time keeps marching forward. The longer dismissive avoidants sit alone with their thoughts post-breakup, the more piercing their longing and regret becomes.
According to psychologist Suzann Pileggi Pawelski:
"When alone and missing their ex, Avoidants reflect mostly on the positive aspects of the relationship, remembering fondly exactly what they lost when they broke up and feeling sad and regretful.”
At some point, they can’t rationalize away the hollow feeling of losing their closest companion. They crave the laughter, affection, and understanding from their specific person—not just any partner.
This longing fuels potential reconciliation in some avoidant cases. But how often do they act on it?
Do Dismissive Avoidants Ever Come Back After Breaking Up?
You might hope your dismissive ex endures enough missing you that overpowers their relationship fears. But how likely is an avoidant partner to return and reconcile compared to other styles?
According to Chris Seiter’s analysis of several studies, here is how attachment styles rank:
Attachment Style Reunion Rates
- Anxious attachers: 35-45%
- Secure attachers: 22-35%
3. Dismissive avoidants: 10-15% - Fearful avoidants: 3-7%
As you can see, only around 10-15% of dismissive avoidants reunite post-breakup compared to one-third of anxious attachers. Why won’t the majority risk round two? There are a few key roadblocks:
Roadblocks Preventing Dismissive Avoidants From Returning
🔸 Vulnerability remains terrifying
🔸 Reconciliation has uncertain outcomes
🔸 Exes may still expect/need too much
🔸 They likely need more time to process
Dismissive avoidants want to trust you won’t consume their independence or leave them hanging emotionally. But letting down their guard again activates their worst relationship fears.
Adding your pressure to get back together prematurely only affirms their belief about entanglements jeopardizing their well-being.
When Might Dismissive Avoidants Consider Returning?
Still, a minority of dismissive avoidants tentatively reach out post-breakup when the stars align. Relationship psychologist Dr. Rhonda Milrad shares insider knowledge on the avoidants‘ mental shifts enabling this scenario:
“Although Avoidants do not often pursue their exes after a breakup, they may passively leave the door open, allowing the partner to re-initiate contact when things settle down.”
Specifically, they may circle back when:
🔸 Their ex eases off chasing them
🔸 Enough time has passed to feel safe/missing their partner
🔸 They’re assured of space and no expectations
Seiter estimates such avoidants initiate conversations months later, subtly asking: “Have you been dating anyone lately?” They first want evidence you’ve moved on and won’t smother them.
Of course, these instances only arise if avoidants process their wounds enough to envision trying again. Don’t hold your breath, but stay cautiously open.
How Do Dismissive Avoidants Typically Behave In Separation?
Since most dismissive avoidants need ample time and space post-breakup, don’t expect vulnerability or reconciliation-focused conversations. Their actions usually boil down to:
🔹 Avoiding meaningful contact
🔹 Checking on you indirectly
🔹 “Basking in your memory” from afar
Without constant reminders of the relationship struggles, dismissive exes enjoy selectively reminiscing on the good times only—never mind reconciling reality with fantasy.
Mark Manson calls this pattern “soak[ing] in the illusion of intimacy.” He elaborates:
"They merely fantasize about their relationship with you through rose-colored glasses. This allows them to feel connected without actually making themselves vulnerable to you."
It explains why dismissive avoidants rarely initiate post-breakup contact unless to subtly assess getting back together.
They’d rather keep you a “phantom ex” they can project positive qualities onto and nostalgically pine after. But not someone demanding present effort or intimacy.
Why It’s Pointless Pursuing Dismissive Avoidants Post-Breakup
Because dismissive avoidants initially feel liberated when separations shatter enmeshment, they perceive exes chasing them as confirmation they made the right move. It fast-tracks their distancing.
Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, offers this sailing analogy describing why anxiously badgering dismissive avoidants is counterproductive:
"Pressuring your avoidant to talk to you is like taking a sailboat out on a windy day. The pressure creates resistance…Their knee jerk reaction is to pull away.”
The more you pursue dismissive avoidants against their will post-breakup, the farther they sail from you. Period.
Withstand the urge to convince them they’re wrong or desperately plead your case. As the saying goes, “If you love someone, set them free.”
Allow dismissive avoidants time to miss you on their own terms. Once you stop triggering their fear of losing autonomy, small cracks for reconciliation may open organically. But release any expectations.
What It Would Take for Dismissive Avoidants to Return
The biggest deciding factor of whether a dismissive avoidant tries again is addressing their deeper attachment insecurities fueling the breakup cycle. Without this self-examination, the pattern continues.
According to psychologist Amir Levine, here is the optimal scenario for dismissive avoidants reconciling:
“The void left by the loss of the relationship needs to be filled, not by finding another partner, but by reflecting on one’s own self…When avoidants learn to comfort themselves, they become ready for healthy, long-lasting relationships.”
Of course, it takes tremendous courage for dismissive avoidants to face their wounds this way. And such soul-searching unfolds slowly even in those committed to real change.
But the good news? This self-healing remains possible whether it happens during your separation or years later with someone new. The benefits then radiate across all their relationships—including with you, even long distance.
3 Keys to Empower You in Separation From a Dismissive Avoidant
While you can’t force dismissive exes to reconcile their conflicts, you have full control over your mindset and responses. Here is how to find peace no matter their choices:
🔴 Release Neediness and Take Back Your Power
When you detach from needing certain outcomes like desperate pursuit tends to manifest, you realign with your inner worth. This energy shift can gradually draw partners in if it’s meant to be.
🔴 Refrain From Criticism or Trying to “Fix” Them
Avoid demeaning comments about why dismissive avoidants run from intimacy. Instead, appeal to their highest self—everyone wants to love fully.
🔴 Give Them Time and Space to Figure Things Out
You can’t strong-arm dismissive avoidants into opening up emotionally. Signal your openness to communicate if they make the first move. Then channel your energy where it counts most—your healing.
While the chances dismissive avoidants return seem slim, miracles happen once in a blue moon. Release expectations either way.
The Bottom Line: How Their Psychology Drives Dismissive Avoidants Away
Dismissive avoidants leave relationships quickly the second intimacy feels smothering. But they still suffer privately in the fallout when comfort, laughter, and affection suddenly disappears.
With enough time and space, a small portion reconsider reconciling—BUT only once they believe you’ve moved on and won’t jeopardize their independence again. Even still, these avoidants rarely pursue exes directly.
Because their inner world remains obscured behind an impenetrable fortress few penetrate, you must make peace without needing answers or closure. Release longing for the fantasy bond avoidants cling to from a safe distance.
While dismissive avoidants carry painful control wounds making it hard for them to process loss or reconnect, have compassion. Their psyches adapted as protection long ago; this isn’t about you.
Focus on filling your own voids without another’s validation. When both individuals in a broken bond heal their fears separably, the possibility of reunion no longer matters. The gift becomes self-acceptance and security gained.