Narcissists have a reputation for being self-centered, lacking empathy, and feeling entitled to special treatment. What you may not realize is that these traits also show up in how they handle money – and they can use finances to manipulate or control romantic partners, family members, friends and colleagues.
As a full-stack developer and psychology enthusiast who went through this myself, I want to walk you through what I‘ve learned about navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals when money is involved. My goal is to help protect you from economic abuse and manipulation.
How Narcissists View Money
To a narcissist, money represents power, status and the ability to get what they want, when they want it. They feel entitled to a wealthy, luxurious lifestyle and the finest things.
A key characteristic of narcissists is their sense of entitlement and belief they deserve special treatment – whether or not they can afford it. As psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula highlights in this YouTube video, narcissists have no problem spending freely on themselves while denying funds or imposing strict budgets on family members.
They also have different financial rules for themselves versus other people. What they are willing (and demand) to spend money on does not apply to those around them.
For example, a narcissistic spouse may justify buying expensive golf clubs for himself but then criticize his wife for wanting to splurge on a purse or salon visit. The hypocrisy and double standards enable narcissists to assert financial control in relationships.
My ex-boyfriend was like this. He felt entitled to lavish gaming equipment, top-shelf liquor, steak dinners out multiple nights a week and more. But if I wanted to spend my salary on so much as a $50 dress, he‘d have a complete meltdown over what a selfish, financial drain I was.
Financial Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse
In addition to double standards, narcissists may gaslight romantic partners and family members who question their spending habits or financial contribution to the household.
Common phrases used to justify or defend their money management include:
- "I deserve this after all I do for this family."
- "You just don‘t appreciate how hard I work."
- "We can afford this thanks to me."
- "You‘re so entitled for asking for money when I pay for everything."
My ex used to berate me for hours for being a gold digger who just wanted to bleed him dry. He accused me of doing nothing to earn my paychecks while his software developer skills "kept me living in luxury." Nevermind that I was working 3 jobs to support us both while he kept quitting roles out of frustration with not being instantly promoted to CTO at every company.
Do you notice the manipulation here? The narcissist twists reality to make their excessive personal spending seem reasonable while making other people feel guilty for basic financial needs.
This kind of gaslighting often accompanies other emotional abuse like:
- Triangulation (turning people against each other)
- Projection (blaming others for their own flaws)
- Sabotage (deliberately obstructing someone‘s success)
Sure enough, the financial manipulation enabled additional control and mistreatment in the relationship.
After one explosive argument over finances, my ex sabotaged my interview with his dream company by failing to submit my reference letter so they rescinded my offer. When I asked why, he accused me of clearly not caring about pulling my weight if I dared question his judgment over what we could afford.
Warning Signs of Financial Abuse
While everyone has different money habits, keep the following red flags in mind if you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner, friend or family member:
They spend freely on themselves while imposing strict budgets on you. As mentioned, the hypocrisy and double standards are strong with narcissists. They may splurge on luxury items with no regard for joint finances.
When my narcissistic partner maxed out yet another credit card on video game loot boxes, he insisted I start meal prepping to cut grocery costs. He allocated me $30 a week for food while he continued spending $400 a night dining out.
They use money as a punishment or incentive. A narcissist may threaten to cut you off financially or withhold funds to manipulate desired behavior. Or they may shower you with expensive gifts after mistreating you to swiftly regain your affection.
I once canceled a weekend trip with my ex to catch up on work. He gave me the silent treatment for a week, then showed up with a $2,000 designer purse to "make amends." When I asked about the source of funds, he screamed at me for being unappreciative of his "generous spirit" after he "moved mountains" to treat me.
They feel entitled to your money. Due to their inflated sense of self-importance, narcissists believe they deserve direct access to your earnings. They may freely spend your money without consent, "borrow" funds frequently without repayment or help themselves to joint financial assets.
My partner would regularly transfer money out of my personal savings account to fund his hobbies, pay his bills or buy sporting event tickets without asking. When I changed my account password for security, he raged at me for being selfish and controlling with "his hard-earned money."
They sabotage your financial goals. Narcissists want you to depend on them financially so they can assert control. As a result, they may stand in the way of career moves that empower your autonomy. Or they may run up joint credit card debt to interfere with your ability to leave the relationship.
As mentioned, my narcissistic ex deliberately botched my dream job offer as retaliation for questioning his reckless spending. He also secretly opened 3 credit cards in my name and maxed them out so I wouldn‘t have the credit to be able to afford my own apartment if I left him.
You feel obligated or fearful when money is involved. Listen to your gut. A healthy relationship allows open communication about finances. You should feel empowered to manage money in a way that supports your needs and goals as well.
I walked on eggshells anytime financial conversations came up with my ex. I knew no matter how diplomatically I phrased my words, he would verbally attack me for being a leech who was too stupid with money. I felt helpless and trapped.
Approximately 9.2 million Americans experience financial abuse each year from narcissistic or otherwise controlling partners and family members.
Tips to Protect Your Finances
If you notice some of these patterns in your relationship, work on disentangling finances to limit opportunities for economic abuse. Here are some suggestions:
Have separate bank accounts. Make sure you have an individual account so you have access to funds without intervention. Don’t share account login details with others either.
Don‘t deposit paychecks into shared accounts. Deposit your income into your personal account first. Then if you choose, automatically transfer a consistent monthly contribution to joint spending.
Freeze joint credit cards. Contact your credit card issuer to freeze shared cards to prevent fraudulent activity. Then pay off the cards with joint funds. Only make new charges if you genuinely consent to the purchase.
Build emergency savings. Slowly stash away money where the narcissist can‘t access it like opening a separate individual account at an entirely different bank from your main one. Set up auto transfers so a small sum regularly goes into savings.
Leave a paper trail. Keep financial statements detailing shared asset transactions. Also confirm any verbal agreements around borrowing money or asset division via email or text. These records can support you if disputes arise later.
Consult professionals. Talk to a financial advisor, accountant or lawyer. They can help you understand individual rights in joint assets, navigate credit and payment issues, or find additional ways to protect yourself.
Leverage community resources. Seek support from domestic violence groups who can connect you with free counseling, temporary housing, job search help and more as you work on safely leaving your narcissistic partner.
Create a departure plan. Unfortunately leaving a narcissist can get ugly, especially when money enters the equation. Make alternative arrangements even if you’re not ready to exit yet – open a separate bank account, research affordable housing options, store duplicate financial documents somewhere secure like a locked safe or trusted friend‘s house.
No matter what though, trust your gut if something feels off in your relationship with a narcissist. Nip financial enmeshment and manipulation in the bud to avoid escalation into economic abuse. And know that you deserve to feel empowered, not fearful or trapped, when making money decisions.
Why Narcissists Use Money to Control Others
Now you may be wondering, why do narcissists manipulate finances in close relationships? What drives them to behave so recklessly and heartlessly around money?
Pursuit of Status
Psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin highlights that narcissists have an almost desperate need to be seen as superior. Maintaining appearances of wealth and privilege is one way they signal high status.
So they feel entitled to indulge expensive tastes. But they impose financial limitations on spouses, children, relatives and friends to prevent anyone else from outwardly exceeding their social position.
Seeking Validation
Narcissists have fragile self-esteem buried under over-confidence and bravado. Money and luxury goods provide temporary validation of their exaggerated self-image. Each fancy purchase reassures them of their superiority.
But deep down, they still feel insecure. So they lash out when others threaten their financial status because it jeopardizes the validation they depend on emotionally.
Lacking Empathy
Perhaps most simply – narcissists struggle with empathy. They are so preoccupied with themselves and feeding their own desires that they neither notice, nor care about, the impact of their financial manipulation.
Hurting others emotionally or economically means very little to narcissists ultimately. They may use apologies and gifts to placate frustrations in the short term, but the reckless and controlling money behaviors inevitably continue.
Craving Power
Finally, money represents power and influence to a narcissist. It fuels their ability to control people like pawns. By wielding financial resources (and withdrawing them), the narcissistic person trains those around them.
When they shower gifts on people after mistreatment, those individuals feel pressured to forgive narcissists more quickly to continue reaping rewards later. They learn to not resist or risk losing financial support.
The Bottom Line
At the end of the day, entering any financial agreements with narcissists rarely ends well. Their sense of entitlement, manipulation tactics and indifference to how their behavior impacts others are recipes for fiscal disaster.
Protect yourself by setting firm boundaries around what money – if any – you contribute directly to the narcissist. Refuse loans that likely will never get repaid. Maintain independent income streams and financial accounts. And have an exit strategy to disentangle from joint assets in case the narcissism escalates.
Essentially be very wary before pooling money with a narcissistic romantic partner, family member, friend or business associate. In this situation it’s smartest to keep your financial autonomy intact.
I hope my tips on dealing with narcissists’ manipulative money habits prove helpful, especially if you are currently struggling with similar experiences. No one deserves to feel trapped, powerless or beholden to a narcissist. Please reach out if you need additional support on boundaries or exiting difficult situations. There are resources and sympathetic ears available to help you regain security and peace of mind around finances.