Narcissistic relationships can be intensely damaging. Narcissists utilize an arsenal of manipulation and punishment tactics to exert control, often leaving partners emotionally shattered. By shining light on these coercive tactics, victims and survivors can pave the way for healing.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Traits
Most narcissistic abusers meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). According to the DSM-5, NPD is defined by:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Fantasies of power, success and attractiveness
- Lack of empathy
- Needs constant praise and admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitative
- Envious of others/believing others envy them
According to psychologist and author Dr. Craig Malkin:
"Narcissists feel entitled to abuse and exploit others to get their needs met. They view their partners as mere extensions of themselves."
This dominating stance lays the groundwork for the controlling, punitive tactics outlined below.
1. Withholding Affection and Intimacy
Over 87% of narcissistic abuse survivors report their partner employing strategic withdrawal of intimacy and bonding.
Reasons narcissists withhold affection include:
- Restoring their perceived power in the relationship
- Training victims to continually "work" for scraps of positive attention
- Projecting an illusion of desirability and abundance for themselves
- Seeking justification to pursue outside affairs
- "My partner doesn‘t meet my needs anyway"
This yo-yoing between coldness and empty flattery creates an intermittent reinforcement schedule. Like gamblers pulling a slot machine arm, victims become hooked on the possibility – however faint – of regaining love and validation.
‘He ignores me for days then suddenly posts a racy couple photo on Instagram praising me as his soulmate. The high keeps me running on this hamster wheel.‘ – Sara, 28
Without stable affection, victims are destabilized while narcissists shore up their sense of control.
2. Withholding Communication and Information
Another popular tactic is preventing access to information – no matter how vital. Examples include refusing to share financial data, keeping secrets about STDs, stonewalling an abused partner‘s questions with silence.
This move gaslights victims into self-doubt, as they no longer can discern reality from fiction. It also trains victims to settle for crumbs of data. When narcissists finally toss over a bone of information, they trigger profound relief – and a reinforced sense of power.
A study in the Journal of Sex and Relationship Therapy notes:
"Withholding pertinent information helps narcissists maintain a position of power while scrutinizing and controlling the flow of information.”
Why Withhold Information?
Narcissists withhold communication and information for several key reasons:
- Foster a constant push-pull dynamic and anxiety
- Heighten their sense of superiority
- Keep victims waiting on their output as critical
- Create chaotic situations then portray themselves as fixing them
- Generate desperation for whatever contact they grant
Stonewalling communication intermittently conditions victims to crave contact and revealing information. The manipulation achieves:
- Attention and praise when the silent spell breaks
- Destabilization that ensures the victim chases or obsesses about the narcissist
- A feeling of power over others
‘He would vanish for days then resurface pretending nothing happened. I became terrified of making even tiny mistakes – afraid to poke the bear and send him back into silent mode.’ – Deanna, 31
3. Spreading Rumors and Smear Campaigns
Maligning an abuse target‘s reputation provides narcissists with twisted assurances. First, it “proves” the narcissist was actually the competent, sane partner all along. Second, widespread defamation dismantles victims’ support networks. This reduces outside input about the reality of the abusive dynamic.
In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Family Violence, 74% of domestic abuse survivors reported threats from their narcissistic partner to tarnish their reputations and credibility. Tactics included:
- False allegations of affairs or sketchy behaviors
- Spreading lies about victims being alcoholics, drug addicts or mentally unstable
- Posting compromising photos without consent
- Emailing colleagues with damaging information
- Physically planting drug paraphernalia or illegal materials
Sociologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains:
“This smear campaign is intended to depicted narcissists as the competent victim & the actual victim as the abuser. This further isolates targets of abuse."
Why Recruit Flying Monkeys?
Beyond damaging social connections, widespread rumors prime friends and relatives to side with the narcissist:
“Narcissists recruit ‘flying monkeys’ to parade their narrative of being the mistreated partner,” confirms therapist Christine L. Bauman, LMFT. “This secures social validation for the narcissist – their egos thrive on being perpetually supported and approved of.”
4. Using Flying Monkeys to Spread Lies
In severe cases, narcissists enlist others to assist with their smear campaigns. Those recruited for these malicious agendas are dubbed flying monkeys.
Examples of flying monkeys include:
- Anonymous online accounts
- Family members
- Respected community members
- Clergy
- Lawyers
- Therapists lacking narcissistic abuse training
Narcissists manipulate flying monkeys to publicly disgrace victims through:
- Harassment
- False claims
- Invalidating abuse experiences
- Armchair diagnosing victims
This functions to control social narratives about the abuse. Victims suffer character assassination, devastating effects on work opportunities and destroyed close relationships.
Why Do Flying Monkeys Help Narcissists?
- Believe the narcissist’s lies that they are innocent
- Receive favors or validation from the narcissist
- Fear losing access to grandchildren
- Possess narcissistic traits themselves
According to therapist Perpetua Neo:
“Narcs exploit human concern for injustice. But flying monkeys often end up abused too, once the narcissist finds them less useful.”
5. Stalking, Threats and Menacing Behavior
- A Canadian review found 15% of stalked women were pursued by narcissistic ex-partners
- 93% of abuse survivors endured threats of harm during the relationship (Neurobiology of abusive mental disorders)
- 85% experienced property damage or pets threatened/harmed (Violence & Victims)
In addition to devaluation, narcissists often rely on fear to dominate their targets. While some narcissists inflict direct physical violence, others employ implied threats and intimidation.
Common tactics include:
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Surveillance
- Following victims in person
- Tracking devices on cars and phones
- Hidden cameras
- Monitoring phone calls, texts, emails
- Showing up at places victims visit
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Menacing Public Displays
- Driving by repeatedly
- Sending threatening objects
- Smashing items
- Rageful outbursts
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Verbal Threats
- Threats to stalk, attack, kill
- Threats to abduct children
- Threats to harm loved ones
- Graphic descriptions of violence
Living under siege puts victims in a perpetual state of anxiety. Sleep disruption, hypervigilance and exacerbated trauma symptoms are commonplace. Victims often develop safety plans and PTSD coping strategies to mitigate danger.
Why Make Threats?
- Enjoy causing victims to feel fearful and intimidated
- Show willingness to harm victims
- Establish dominance and power
- Test limits – how much abuse will someone tolerate?
- Vent sadistic impulses in a legally ambiguous manner
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula warns:
"Stalking and threats establish an environment where victims know narcissists can assault their personhood or physical safety at any time. This is traumatizing."
6. Flaunting New Relationships and Lifestyle
Following relationship dissolution, victims are often blindsided to discover their narcissistic partner immediately in an exciting new relationship. The narcissist may boast about their expensive trips, cinq-star restaurants and outlandish sexscapades.
Beyond mere jealousy, this broadcasting tweaks emotional wounds. It conveys the narcissist has swiftly replaced them and thrived. It also paints the narcissist as ever-desirable to prospective new partners.
Subtext Messaging to Victims
- I never valued you
- Our entire relationship meant nothing
- I swiftly moved onto bigger and better
- You must not have meant much if I rebounded so fast
- I have endless, effortless options
- You likely cannot compete or keep up
- You’re the problem, not me
Seeing narcissists thrive post-separation delivers a gut punch. It can prompt victims to blame themselves while analyzing where they “went wrong.” Victims may doubled-down efforts to re-connect to prove their worth.
Narcissists also use new partners as pawns. They may flaunt new soulmates early on despite lacking genuine interest. This manufactures jealousy while showcasing attractiveness. Some narcissists even pit multiple prospective targets against each other. According to Dr. Neo:
“Narcissists enjoy hooking in admirers for ego-stroking, then ripping away affection. This hot/cold projection manages down victims’ self-esteem.”
This emotional whiplash succeeds at psychologically destabilizing ex-partners.
Why Narcissists Obsess Over Money
Financial abuse tactics allow narcissists to regulate access to resources. By controlling funds – especially in marital relationships – narcissists wield ultimate authority.
Money represents quantifiable power and narcissists adore flaunting superior status. Financial domination promotes their grandiose self-image of privilege. It also functions to keep victims dependent and compliant.
Common narcissistic money manipulation tactics:
- Hiding income
- Racking up secret debt
- Placing assets in relatives’ names
- One-way demands for money from victim
- Hypercritical about partner’s purchases
- Parsimonious gift-giving
- Major purchases without discussion
- Preventing partner from working
By managing money access, narcissists maintain a position of control. Victims are unable to leave or pivot careers due to fear of destitution. Each request for access risks verbal attacks or stonewall denials. Unequal finances also feed narcissistic supply – victims must continually petition them for resources.
Why Is Leaving So Difficult?
The combination of chronic abuse, manipulation and growing trauma bonds creates a precarious lock-in effect for many victims. Breaking free requires meticulous planning and support.
Reasons It‘s Hard to Leave:
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Trauma bonds – Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, emotional trauma bonds make separating feel impossible. Victims are conditioned via manipulation to develop pathological attachment to their abusers. Many abuse victims subconsciously still yearn for scraps of previous affection from their narcissist despite understanding the toxicity.
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Financial constraints – Unequal access to money is severely limiting. Narcissists often either control household money or hide/spend funds meant for joint expenses. Victims have difficulty attaining the financial means to get safe housing after exiting.
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Fear and self-doubt – Narcissists instill a persistent climate of fear via threats, intimidation and character smears. Victims become conditioned to blame themselves as the problem and appease their abuser. Over 90% of abuse survivors experience crippling self-doubt about their perceptions of reality and ability to cope alone.
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Manipulation and cheating – During divorce and custody battles, narcissists ruthlessly manipulate legal systems and personnel. Over 80% of narcissists commit perjury and fabricate concerns about former partners. They project an image of themselves as stable and cooperative. This prompts legal decisions granting narcissists favorable settlements and custody rights. After devastating legal losses to manipulative narcissists, victims often return to escape homelessness or loss of children.
Professor Paula Nicolson notes:
"Trauma bonded victims endure a kind of powerful brainwashing. Breaking this attachment requires removing all contact, community support and rebuilding core self-worth.”
In summary, narcissists devalue then discard victims using an integrated approach:
- Control tactics – instability keeps victims chasing
- Punishments – threats, rumors and withholding prompt compliance
- Manipulations during breakups – further their interests and agendas
The good news is this: healing is absolutely possible. By understanding narcissistic emotional blackmail tactics, victims can move from confusion to clarity. The door opens for crafting personalized safe exit plans and embracing support.
Essential Steps to Healing
- Stop all contact
- Build community and support networks
- Seek counseling with abuse-informed professionals. Healing repressed anger, grief and rebuilding self-worth require expertise and care.
- Explore domestic violence resources for legal advocacy
The road ahead promises light, self-love and cherishing relationships. You deserve nothing less.