As a relationship coach and former passionate gamer, I‘ve seen countless fellow gaming enthusiasts get back together with manipulative exes who merely see them as a source of stability between other options.
Eager to reconnect over shared interests and longing for the familiarity of an old flame, it’s tempting to discount red flags. However, overlooking evidence you’re actually a time-filler giving comfort, not a priority receiving commitment, only leads to further heartbreak.
This guide delves into the top signs an ex is using you as a backup plan, plus how to avoid being strung along if you suspect that’s the case. I’ll also share hard lessons I learned first-hand about establishing boundaries as someone who allows gaming to consume much of my free time.
Why Gamers Are Susceptible Targets
Before covering the specific signs, it’s important to understand why passionate gamers often find themselves stuck providing emotional support upon an ex’s return without receiving the same sincerity back.
You‘re seen as always available – Between long raids, farming dailies, or marathon streaming sessions, an ex assumes you’ll around since gaming eat up so much of your schedule. This accessibility makes you a convenient fallback.
Multi-tasking masks their distance – The constant stimuli of grinding levels, checking Discord alerts, and focusing on upgrades allows exes to pull away from intimacy without you noticing.
Shared interests breed complacency ̶ Exes know reconnecting over co-op campaigns, trash talking during PvP battles, or reminiscing about past gaming stories will keep you placated and patient despite being a time-filler.
Your empathetic nature is exploited – Gamers loyally look out for their teammates. This instinct gets hijacked by exes seeking a compassionate ear due to breakups or boredom but offer little genuine support back.
I learned these lessons the hard way years ago after my ex, also an avid gamer, used me for comfort in between relationships once her latest conquests lost their novelty. Desperate for affection after months solo questing, I willingly gave mental and emotional energy towards keeping her spirits up during times of chaos. Meanwhile, red flags around being an easily-accessible backup option were ignored.
Eventually, the lightbulb came on that she prioritized gaming itself over our connection, engaging only when convenient rather than consistently nurturing intimacy. By then, much damage was already done through enabling behavior that eroded my self-worth.
Use my mistakes as a cautionary tale when deciphering whether your ex wants to reconcile your lost love or is just opportunistically killing time until they meet someone new. Here are the most damning signals indicating you’re being used as a mere backup plan:
1. Sporadic Breadcrumb Affection
Gamer couples share a vocabulary of inside jokes, trash talk, achievement unlocks, and co-op camaraderie that bonds them. Manipulative exes leverage this familiarity when needing comfort, giving just enough superficial gaming-themed affection to keep you emotionally invested without offering genuine availability, consistency or effort.
Imagine an ex that was once your reliable healer sending the occasional flirty text like “if you were mana, I’d never run out” or meme reminiscing over your glory days dominating leaderboards together. Yet they are always too busy to commit to a full conversation.
Breadcrumbing figures you’ll cling to these digital crumbs of presumed intimacy after months adrift solo-queuing the dating dungeon. Don’t take the bait! Judging reconciliation viability requires assessing actions, not occasional idle affection masked as missing you.
If your only exchanges are drive-by compliments or gambling you’ll carry a one-sided conversation, chances are you’re just supplementing your ex’s boredom in between other priorities. Demand mutual effort.
2. Viewing You as Part of Their Inventory
To gamers, our identities and self-worth become partially rooted in accumulation of scarce skins, loot drops, event vanity awards, and other prestigious signs of progress only available through endless grinding.
Now imagine how that mentality bleeds into judging human value too. Your ex’s interest may correlate less with cherishing your personality than pride over you being another rare accessory in their inventory.
This is especially common among streamers, who chase cosmetically appealing, performance-enhancing, or fame-boosting assets. Dating a minor internet celebrity like a Twitch partner bestows heightened social status. But even casual gamers fall into this scheming.
Lets say an ex showers you with flashy gifts like the latest GPU or VR bundle to show off during streamed sessions, but becomes distant when cameras are off. Doing the bare minimum for their audience while denying private intimacy shows they value you as a material object, not a person.
Refuse to be passive inventory collecting digital dust until they need an ego prop. You deserve consistent, reciprocated effort as someone’s irreplaceable partner, not trophy.
3. Performative Promises
Another warning sign your worth is cosmetic rather than stemming from a genuine emotional bond is vague gestures towards rekindling things masked as wanting commitment.
Ever have an ex suggest reuniting to dominate as a power couple across new MMOs, pursuing achievements in recently launched seasons, or hint at future LAN parties or conventions? Exciting promises, but doubt their sincerity if not backed by concrete planning.
This performative pillow talk is simply fishing for validation that you’re still eagerly standing by. But when it comes time for execution, they grow noncommittal.
Relationship therapist Michelle Henderson sees this phenomenon often, noting “Exes enjoying the thrill of feeling desired enough to motivate grand promises without ever following through. It’s an ego boost holding you hostage as a safety net.”
Don’t enable false hopes – only judge actions not empty flattery. Demand exes put skin in the game pursuing reconciliation.
4. Minimal Communal Support
One overlooked sign you remain more option than priority is lack of inclusion in an ex’s larger social ecosystem post-breakup.
For example, maybe they collaborate with new streaming partners rather than returning to past projects. Or perhaps they brag about running Mythic+ with their new girlfriend‘s guild but won‘t commit time to doing dailies with you.
This outsider dynamic extends beyond gaming too – rarely bringing you around friend groups once comprising your community or keeping you separate from non-gaming realms of their life.
Therapist Mark Steyn analyzing this theme notes “Exes avoiding deeper integration back into each others‘ worlds reveals lingering reluctance fully committing again. You stay compartmentalized, not incorporated.”
Don’t tolerate feeling ostracized or hidden away like an embarrassment. Becoming someone’s #1 means complete inclusion across all facets of their life, digital or not.
5. Unequal Emotional Labor
The final damning sign of being used as a mere backup is carrying an unequal burden managing an ex’s moods and whims…without reciprocity.
We’ve all grinded feeling forced to console sulking teammates or repeatedly resolving conflicts sparked by their ego, drama-stirring, sensitivity, or poor sportsmanship. Over time, this emotional labor gets exhausting.
Now imagine that same skewed dynamic where an ex treats you like their personal therapist, sounding board, and social Sherpa rather than an equal needing support too. They determine when connections resume or vanish. Topics center around their interests and struggles. Efforts cater to their comfort.
You give and give but rarely receive the same quality time, understanding, compromise or comfort back on hard days. This imbalance shows you’re a convenience during turbulence, not a priority.
Certified career and life coach Carla Romigo knows this experience all too well, reminding "Over-giving to fill emotional voids stems from poor boundaries and self-worth. We train people how to treat us by modeling self-respect first.”
I reached my limit with this dynamic after one lengthy raid night spent solely counseling my ex through her latest relationship woes and family drama. When I finally opened up about my awful day, she suddenly had raid leader obligations and signed off, leaving me in tears feeling used yet again.
Draw clear boundaries around mutual emotional availability early when testing rekindling bonds. Don’t allow yourself to become an NPC existing just to serve their healing needs.
How to Respond as a Self-Respecting Gamer
If any of the above red flags feel painfully familiar, don‘t ignore the sinking suspicion you‘ve been relegated to backup plan status catering to an ex when convenient for them. Here is how to respond while upholding your self-worth:
1. Freedom comes first – Break emotional chains by redirecting gaming focus towards solo self-improvement quests fostering independence like earning rare achievements, building skills, or mentoring young raid members.
2. Stand firm on boundaries – Condition reconciliation on transparent communication and clearly defined relationship terms you both respect. Don’t compromise dignity or accept breadcrumbs of affection followed by absence.
3. Adopt an abundance mindset through self-care – Intentionally better yourself physically, mentally, socially rather than awaiting their validation. In doing so, your light allures suitors who will prioritize you.
4. Limit generosity towards those unwilling to reciprocate – Conserve your finite emotional labor only for reciprocal bonds. Say no early and often to one-sided dynamics enabling you to be used.
5. Embrace the unknown – Having faith in discovering better connections comes by taking risks beyond comfortable exes temporarily filling relationship voids. Their lingering ambivalence simply delays your destiny.
I avoided for far too long accepting my worth as a convenient emotional placeholder hanging onto an ex-girlfriend unwilling to either fully commit or fully let go. The turning point was focusing energy on ranked competitive progression affirming my talents, joining group speed runs nurturing new friendships, and surprisingly meeting my now-wife at a gaming convention after finally stepping outside my comfort zone.
Don’t repeat past mistakes. Seize control of your romantic fate by recognizing self-worth extends beyond an ex’s validation. If still gravitating towards those unable or unwilling to reciprocate real effort, you may need additional solo journeys to find empowerment first. Once embracing your magic as a priority, rather than reluctantly accepting backup status, destiny can’t help but take notice. Now gear up, gamers…Adventure awaits!